135 Best Things You Can Do For Your Child

Daniel G. Amen, MD

Few things are more important in life than raising children. Yet, most people receive no formal parent training or education. In large measure, parenting skills are developed by watching how our own parents dealt with us and our brothers and sisters.  When we had relaxed and effective parents, our parenting skills tend to work.  When our parents were less than skilled in dealing with children, we tend to have difficulty dealing with our own children.

Although parenting can be tremendously rewarding, it is often filled with heartache, confusion and pain.  This are is a crash course in superior parenting skills.  If you follow the principles outlined here you will notice a marked increase in your effectiveness with your child, along with a more positive and fulfilling relationship.

No one can follow all of the suggestions listed.  Choose the ones appropriate to your situation.  These "best things you can do for your child" have been gathered over years of clinical experience with both "difficult" and "not-so-difficult" children and teenagers.

Remember What It Is Like To Be A Child

1. Remember what it is like to be a child (the good and the bad).  Remember how you felt when you were their age.  This will help you relate to their worries and concerns.

2. Remember how it felt when your mom or dad were too busy for you.

3. Remember what it felt like to tell a lie and how you wish your parents would have reacted when they found out.

4. Remember how you felt when your parents fought with each other (do you fight in the same way with your spouse?)

5. Remember how it felt when your mom or dad took you someplace special.

6. Remember meal times when you were a child.  Were they a positive experience (and why) or were they a negative experience (and why)?

7. Remember how you felt at bedtime.

8. Remember the first time you asked someone out on a date, or were asked out, and the intense anxiety that goes along with dating.

9. Remember your sexual feelings and experiences as a child and teenager.

10. Remember the worst teachers you had, so that you can relate to them when they complain about school.

11. Remember the best teachers you had, so that you can tell your children how good school can be.

Develop Clear Goals For Yourself As A Parent And For Your Child

12. Develop clear, written goals for raising your children.  Goals which spell out the kind of person you’d like them to become.  Then review the goals every month to see if your behavior is encouraging what you want.  In all of my interactions with my children I try to ask myself if my actions encourage the behaviors I want.

Goals For Yourself As A Parent

(the overall goal is to be a competent and positive force in the child’s life)

13. Be involved with your child.  Ensure you have enough time with them so that you can influence their direction.

14. Be open with your child.  Talk with them in such a way that will help them talk to you when they need to.

15. Be firm/set limits.  Provide appropriate supervision and limits until they develop their own moral/internal controls.

16. Be together with their other parent in dealing with the child.  Whether married or divorced, it is best when parents support each other in their interactions with a child.

17. Be kind.  Raise your children in such a way so that they will want to come and see you after they leave home.  Being a parent is also a selfish job.

18. Be fun.  Joke, clown and play with your kids.  Having fun is essential to both physical and emotional health.

Develop Clear Goals For Your Child

(the overall goal is to enhance develop-ment)

19. Be relational.  We live in a relational world.  It is imperative that I teach my child how to get along with others.

20. Be responsible.  My child needs to believe and act as if he or she has some control over his or her life; that when bad things happen it is not always someone else’s fault.  Otherwise, he or she will act like a victim and have no personal power in life.

21. Be independent.  I will allow my child to have some choices over his or her own life.  This will enable the child to be able to make good decisions on his or her own.

22. Be self-confident.  I will encourage my child to be involved with different activities where he or she can feel a sense of competence.  Self-confidence often comes from our ability to be able to master tasks and sports. 

23. Be self-accepting.  I will notice more positive than negative in my child.  This will enable my child to be able to accept him or herself.

24. Be adaptable.  I will expose my child to different situations so that he or she will be flexible enough to deal with the various stresses that will come life’s way.

25. Be emotionally healthy.  I will allow my child the ability to express him or herself in an accepting environment.  I will also seek help for my child if he or she shows prolonged symptoms of emotional trouble.

26. Be fun.  I will teach my child how to have fun and how to laugh.

27. Be focused.  Help children develop clear goals for themselves, both short term and long term.

Authority Is Essential

28. Being firm with your child is NOT the same as being mean.

29. Your child will respect you more if you believe you are supposed to be the authority in the relationship.

30. The 60s generation lost the concept that authority is a good thing.  Authority is essential to maintaining order and structure in a family.

31. Establishing authority (in a kind way) with a child enhances creativity.  The boundaries are known and the child does not have to continually test them, leaving energy for more productive activities.

32. Establishing authority (in a kind way) with a child will help them deal with authority as an adult. 

33. Mean what you say.  Don’t allow guilt to cause you to back down on what you know is right.

Your Relationship With Your Child Is The Key To Success

34. Your personal relationship with your child matters to their emotional well being!  Many parents underestimate their influence over a child.  With a good relationship, the child will come to you when they need to.  When there is a bad relationship, the child will seek out others (such as peers) for counsel.

35. With a good parent-child relationship almost any form of discipline will work.  With a poor parent-child relationship almost any form of discipline won’t work. 

36. Respect your child.  Treat them at home as you would in front of others.  This also teaches children to be authentic with others.

37. Spend some "special time" with your child each day, doing what they want to do.  15 to 20 minutes a day of "special time" will strengthen the bond between you and your child and make a dramatic difference in the quality of your relationship.  Being available to the child will help him or her feel important and enhance his or her self esteem. 

38. Be a good listener.  Find out what the child thinks before you tell him or her what you think.

39. Get down on their level when you talk with a child.

40. Speak softly to children.  They’re much more likely to hear you.

41. Avoid yelling at children.  How do you feel when someone yells at you?  When someone yells at me I cannot hear what they are saying and I get mad.  Children are no different. 

42. Keep promises to children.

43. Children learn about relationships from watching how their parents relate to each other.  Are you setting a good example?

A Loving, Helpful Environment

44. Tell a child you love him or her everyday.

45. Touch a child everyday.

46. Establish eye contact with a child everyday and inquire about their day.

47. Take the time to hug a child whenever they climb into your lap (or into your space).

48. Listen to their music to hear what information is being fed into their mind.

49. Limit TV and video games.  These are often "no-brain" activities and of little help for children.

50. Don’t allow kids to watch too much of the news.  It’ll scare them and increase their internal sense of anxiety.

51. Rituals (bed time, meal time, holidays, etc.) provide continuity, structure, and stability for children.
52. Introduce children to a multitude of experiences, even if they are hesitant.

53. Play games with your kids.  Recreation is essential to a balanced, happy life.

Clear Expectations

54. Be clear with what you expect with a child or teen.  It is effective for families to have posted rules, spelling out the "laws" and values of the family.  Here are 8 examples:

1. TELL THE TRUTH         

2. TREAT EACH OTHER WITH RESPECT

3. NO ARGUING WITH PARENTS

4. RESPECT EACH OTHER’S PROPERTY

5. DO WHAT MOM AND DAD SAY THE FIRST TIME
(without complaining or throwing a fit)

6. ASK PERMISSION BEFORE YOU GO ANYWHERE

7. PUT THINGS AWAY THAT YOU TAKE OUT

8. LOOK FOR WAYS TO BE KIND AND HELPFUL TO EACH OTHER

Notice What You Like A Lot More Than What You Don’t Like

55. When a child lives up to the rules and expectations, be sure to notice him or her.  If you never reinforce good behavior you’re unlikely to get much of it.

56. Notice the behaviors you like in your child 10 times more than the behaviors you don’t like.  This teaches them to notice what they like about themselves rather than to grow up with a critical self-image.

57. Praise and encouragement enhance good behavior and teach children new skills.  Anger and punishment suppress difficult behavior but do not teach children anything good in the long run.

58. Praise and encouragement strengthens the parent-child bond.  Anger erodes the parent-child bond.

Discipline

59. Do not tell a child to do something 10 times.  Expect a child to comply the first time!  Be ready to back up your words.

60. Never discipline a child when you’re out of control.  Take a time out before you lose your cool.

61. Use discipline to teach a child rather than to punish or get even for bad behavior.

62. See misbehavior as a problem you’re going to solve rather than "the child is just trying to make you mad." 

63. It’s important to have swift, clear consequences for broken rules, enforced in a "matter of fact" and unemotional way.  Nagging and yelling are extremely destructive and ineffective.

64. In parenting, always remember the words "firm and kind."  One parent used the phrase, "tough as nails and kind as a lamb."  Try to balance them at the same time.

65. When the child is stuck in negative behavior, try to distract them and come back to the issue later.

66. Deal with lying and stealing immediately.

67. Do not back away from dealing with difficult situations with your teenagers (sex, drugs, disrespect).  Deal with them in a kind, firm way!

68. Many parents ask me about whether or not spanking a child is helpful.  I tell them that spanking is never the issue.  The issue is the quality of your relationship with the child and your ability to be firm and kind with them.  With a good relationship between a parent and a child almost any form of discipline seems to work.  When the parents and child have a poor relationship most forms of discipline do not work.

Choices

69. Give a child choices between alternatives, rather than dictating what they’ll do, eat or wear.  If you make all the decisions for your child he or she will be unable to make their own decisions later on. 

70. Before you tell a child what you think about a decision in his life, ask him to tell you what’s on his mind.

71. Encourage a child to make independent decisions, based on the knowledge he or she has, rather than on what friends might say or do.

Supervision

72. Supervise a child’s school experience.  Get to know the teacher.  Be an active part of the class.  Sometimes parents are the last people to know things are going wrong.  Being involved will help keep your child on track.

73. Know where your child or teen is at all times.  Tell your child that you want to know who they are with, what they are doing and what time they’ll be home.  Let him or her know that you are going to periodically check.  Initially they’ll complain about your intrusion, but in the long run they will appreciate your caring and concern.

74. Trust is based on past experience.  Let your children know that their level of freedom is based on how trustworthy they show themselves to be.

75. Spend time with your child’s friends (even if they turn you off), to know the kind of influence that your child is exposed to.

Parental Support

76. Parents need to be together and support each other. 

77. When children are allowed to split parental authority they have far more power than is good for them. 

78. Parents need time for themselves.  Parents who are drained do not have much left that is good for their children.
79. The best thing you can do for your children is to love your spouse.

Self-Esteem

80. Children live up to the labels we give them.  Be careful of the nicknames and phrases you use to describe your children. 

81. A child’s self-esteem is more important than the quality of his or her homework.

82. Help children to have islands of competence in areas of interest to them (sports, music, etc.).  Self-esteem is often based on a person’s ability to feel competent.

Teaching Children

83. A significant way in which children learn values is by watching the behavior of their parents.  Teach children values with your behavior.

84. Teach children from your own real life experiences.

85. Teach your children about sex and drugs. Don’t leave the responsibility up to the school!  Things are different now then when you and I were growing up.

86. Help children learn from their mistakes.  Don’t berate or belittle them, otherwise they will do that to themselves when they’re less than perfect.

87. Have only good food in the house to eat, so that children will learn how to eat in ways that’ll help them be healthy.

88. Exercise with a child.  Help them make exercise a routine in their lives.

89. Teach children about a kind, caring, loving, forgiving God.

90. Teach children that there is a beginning and an end to life.

91. Teach children to predict the best things for themselves.

92. Don’t allow a child to blame others for how his or her life is turning out.
93. Teach children the power of delegation.

94. Teach children to send Thank You notes.

95. Teach your child organization skills to make their life easier.  (This may mean making them keep the bedroom organized, even when he or she may not be naturally inclined that way.)

96. Read to children (or have them read to you) often.

97. Teach kids to type.

98. Teach children new technology (computers, etc.)

Work and Children

99. Don’t give them everything they ask for.  Encourage them to work for what they want.

100. Work is good for children, doing everything for them is not. Siblings

101. Encourage and reward respect among siblings.  Discipline inappropriate or hostile behavior between siblings.

102. Some sibling rivalry is normal.  Remember the story of the first siblings in the Bible.  It didn’t turn out so well.

Friends and Peers

103. Don’t fight a child’s battle with their friends or peers, but be available as a consultant.

When There Are Problems

104. Seek help for your child when there are problems.  Don’t sweep them under the rug.  Teach kids to talk about the things that aren’t working in their lives.

105. Apologize to children when you make a mistake.

106. Help children see past their disabilities and weaknesses.

Understand What’s Normal

107. Understand normal development (e.g., the terrible twos, independence and identity in teens).

108. When a teenager pulls away from you, pursue him or her with kindness not anger.

109. Don’t tell an 18 year old what to do.  They are likely to do the opposite.  Suggest alternatives, listen, help with options.  Be careful with your words.  They’re likely to be how I was and say something like "I’m 18.  I can do whatever I want."

Learn All You Can

110. Effective parenting is a learned skill.  Work to learn all you can.

Brain Interventions

111. Make children wear helmets when riding a bike, skateboarding, rollerblading and in high-risk situations

112. Make children wear seatbelts all the time

113. Balanced diets with less refined sugars and carbohydrates

114. Teach them how to think positive healthy thoughts and raise healthy internal
anteaters to rid themselves of ANTs (automatic negative thoughts)
115. Everyday, have them focus on the things they are grateful for in their life

116. Have them watch the Disney movie Pollyanna, at least yearly

117. Surround them with great smells

118. Have them build a library of wonderful experiences

119. Regularly exercise with them

120. Teach them diaphragmatic breathing

121. Teach children how to effectively confront and deal with conflictual situa-tions

122. Have them develop clear goals for their life (relationships, school, work, money, and self) and look at them everyday.

123. Focus on what you like about their behavior a lot more than what you don’t like

124. Make naturally oppositional children mind you the first time (through a firm, kind, authoritative stance)

125. Sing and hum with your children whenever you can

126. Make beautiful music a part of their lives

127. Touch them often (appropriately)

128. Dance and music lessons need to be part of their lives

129. Take head injuries seriously, even minor ones

130. Take medications when needed

131. Eliminate most caffeine

132. Do not use much alcohol around children and never use any illegal drugs around children

133. Have children avoid contact sports where head injuries are common, do not let them hit soccer balls with their heads

134. Do not let children bang their head when frustrated

135. Do not let children spend time with people who do drugs, fight, or are involved in other dangerous activities