Are you experiencing the heartbreak and devastation of having your adult child cut off contact with you?  Do you find yourself ruminating about your parenting, looking for what you may have done wrong? Are you desperate to re-establish contact?

For a parent, estrangement from an adult child can be one of life’s greatest pains. Unfortunately, cutting off a parent or parents (having no contact for a temporary amount of time or indefinitely) is becoming increasingly common among adult children—especially young adult children.

The exact prevalence of parental estrangement is not clear as research is new. However, one longitudinal survey study published in 2023 in the Journal of Marriage and the Family showed that 26% of respondents reported estrangement from fathers at an average age of 23 years old, and 6% of respondents reported estrangement from mothers at an average age of 26 years old.

If you or someone you know is suffering from parental estrangement, here’s what experts believe is driving this phenomenon, as well as tips on how to cope and work toward reconciliation.

WHY ARE ADULT CHILDREN CUTTING PARENTS OFF?

An adult child who experienced physical, sexual, or emotional abuse or serious neglect at the hands of a parent may unquestionably need to have no contact with that parent in order to protect themselves or loved ones.

Additionally, estrangement may be the necessary solution for adult children who have parents that vilify them for their gender identities or sexualities or who continue to disparage them for their religious or political beliefs.

These and other clear-cut reasons for estrangement such as parental substance use and untreated mental health conditions have been reported by adult children in research.

Yet, there are a host of additional less clear reasons adult children are going “no contact,” which may not involve such egregious behavior.  Indeed, well-meaning parents who make mistakes, and sometimes big ones, as all parents do, may find themselves cut off and baffled.

COMPLEX FACTORS IN PARENTAL ESTRANGEMENT

It can be heartening for estranged parents to learn there are many influences at play when it comes to estrangement. The survey mentioned above additionally revealed that the transition to young adulthood is one of the most volatile periods in the parent-child tie.

This time period is associated with a marked reduction in both closeness and contact, indicating a potential developmental factor involved. Estrangement can also happen when an adult child finds a mate or gets married and is negatively influenced by a spouse or partner.

Another significant driver of estrangement is divorce and resulting parental alienation and/or potential new spouses and stepsiblings. Children or adult children may feel displaced by new spouses and children and/or poisoned against one parent.

Culture shifts in filial ties seem to be playing a part in estrangement too. Today’s younger adult children do not share the social norm of familial obligation seen in previous generations.

They often place greater value on individualism, the pursuit of happiness, and developing healthy relationships. When they feel criticized, unsupported, unloved, and/or treated without empathy in a parental relationship, they do not feel obliged to maintain it, if it proves to be too difficult or stressful.

These factors are reflected in a study that solicited reasons for estrangement from 52 adult children. The participants cited the following reasons for estrangement:

• Parental toxic behavior
• Feeling unsupported
• Feeling unaccepted
• Feeling unloved

They also found their parents’ narrow-minded viewpoint and self-centered behavior to be roadblocks to resolution. Experts have observed that young adults increasingly view parents as a source of trauma, and estrangement as a path to healing.

Dr. Joshua Coleman, a leader in parental estrangement and author of Rules of Engagement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties & How to Heal the Conflict, has observed several conditions driving estrangement in his practice working with both parents and adult children.

In a popular blog post on causes of estrangement, he notes that the common perception that estranged parents must have behaved egregiously when raising their children and into their adulthood is often untrue.

In fact, he notes that estrangement can result from too much careful, conscientious, anxious parenting, which is so common today. Also referred to as helicopter parenting, in adulthood, these children may struggle to find their own footing unless they cut off ties. He calls it “cutting off the parent to find themselves.”

Parents’ greater involvement in their children’s lives came with the expectation that their efforts would produce happy, successful adults. Yet, having been over-parented and overprotected, some young adult children lack resilience and struggle in today’s world. Young adults are also experiencing higher levels of depression and anxiety.

Compounding the problem, there are many therapists who hold the mistaken notion that most of an adult child’s difficulties today are a result of poor parenting and/or trauma in childhood, according to Dr. Coleman.

Indeed, TikTok, Reddit, and Instagram are rife with posts about cutting ties with toxic, narcissistic, boundary-crossing, gaslighting parents in the name of mental health.

Thus, blaming a parent and cutting them off can be a child’s reaction to their difficult circumstances (like having trouble getting a job or making enough money) and avoiding taking responsibility for their own unhappiness.

EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND ESTRANGEMENT

In another more recent survey conducted by researchers at the University of Cambridge, respondents overwhelmingly attributed parental estrangement to emotional abuse. In this survey, 59% of respondents noted emotional abuse from mothers and 65% from fathers.

Interestingly, emotional abuse is highly subjective. The term is being applied to behavior that may not have been deemed abusive a generation ago.

Dr. Coleman believes that young adult children are more likely to term what are relatively normal “slings and arrows” of family life as emotional abuse.

This idea of today’s young adult children pathologizing everyday experience is echoed in an article published in Psychological Inquiry.

In some cases, breaking off contact may not be a heroic escape from abuse but rather, conflict avoidance.

The take-home message here for estranged parents is that there are many factors involved in parental estrangement, and your role in the broken relationship may be smaller than you think.

6 TIPS FOR ESTRANGED PARENTS

Because the adult child typically initiates estrangement, parents are usually the ones who must make the first steps toward reconciliation. The following tips are gleaned from experts in parental estrangement and research. They do not guarantee reconciliation, but they may make it more likely. They may also help a suffering estranged parent find relief from the pain.

1. Accept it’s unfair.

It can feel very unfair to have your adult child cut you off, knowing how much time, energy, and resources you poured into your child. You may have many good memories of positive experiences with them.

You may want to defend your record as a parent when they accuse you of gaslighting, toxic, abusive, and narcissistic behavior. You may feel your adult child is rewriting family history, reframing typical family squabbles as outbursts of emotional abuse, and remembering timeouts as episodes of traumatic punishment or neglect.

You may have been a very good parent and, still, your child will not talk to you. It’s not fair. But until you accept that it’s not fair, you will continue to be very angry and less likely to do what’s necessary to make reconciliation possible. 

2. Seek to understand your child’s perspective.

If your goal is reconciliation, stop defending yourself and demanding that your adult child understand you. Instead, seek to understand your child’s perspective.

Assume they have reasons for cutting you off, even if you think their point of view is inaccurate or overblown. They have all the power in the negotiation.

Dr. Joshua Coleman suggests that parents look for the “kernel of truth” in the bushel of complaints. Hear their feelings. Validate their perspective. This does not mean you have to agree with their perspective but try to find the piece of it that is your responsibility.

3. Be your best supporter.

It’s vital to develop unconditional love for yourself and continue to enjoy your life. When your child turns against you, it’s hard to hold your value as a human being.

One recommended exercise is to jot down things you did for your child and ways you showed love, caring, support, and dedication. Read it when your self-esteem is feeling particularly low.

Surround yourself with loving, supportive, understanding friends who remind you of your positive attributes. You may need to compartmentalize your relationship with your adult child in order to move forward with living your life. 

4. Work with a therapist or join a group.

There are many qualified mental health professionals now that are trained in parental estrangement, as well as support groups for estranged families. Seek help. Don’t go it alone.

A 2022 study found that individuals who were experiencing family estrangement reported feeling less ashamed, less alone, and significantly less distressed after attending a support group with people facing similar situations.

5. Craft an amends letter.

If you work with a therapist individually, one of the most important steps they can guide you through is devising a way to make amends with your estranged adult child—usually in the form of an amends letter. It will help set the grounds for reconciliation.

The amends letter serves to provide an opportunity for you to express your desire to learn more about your adult child’s experience, to take responsibility for wrongs in the past, and your willingness to work to improve the relationship, if they choose.

Experts warn against defending yourself, criticizing your child, attempting to manipulate with guilt, expressing anger, or making any demands in the letter. It will only thwart your efforts to achieve reconciliation.

At a later point, if you build a more equitable relationship with your adult child, you might have the opportunity to share your perspective and feelings.

6. Be patient.

While the amends letter often provides an opening for healing, it may not. Be patient. Your adult child may not be ready for any number of reasons, including:

• They may be too influenced by a partner or alienated by an ex-spouse to reach out to you.
• They may be too saddled with their own mental health conditions to see you clearly.
• If their life is not going well, they need to blame you for how it has turned out.
• They need more time to find themselves in the world without you.

Try to let go of any expectations you may have about when and if reconciliation happens. Let them reach out to you. Sometimes if you stop contacting your child and trying so hard, it may give your adult child space to miss you.

IF YOUR ADULT CHILD REACHES OUT

Try to appreciate any effort your child makes to contact you, even if it’s a cryptic text. Remember that you are playing the long game. Reconciliation may take years, if it happens.

On a brighter note, research shows that the majority of estranged adult children become un-estranged. An estimated 81% reconnect with their mothers, and 69% reconnect with their fathers.