Help! My Adult Kid Still Lives at Home

Are you frustrated that your adult offspring doesn’t have a job, isn’t in college, and isn’t in a job training program? Resentful that they aren’t making an effort to get their life together? Fearful they will lose their friends and become a recluse? Tired of footing the bill? Desperate to help them gain their independence and move out? Join the club.

The “failure to launch” (FTL) syndrome is reaching epidemic proportions. Nearly 10 million U.S. Millennials ages 24-34 still live at home with mom, according to a 2016 analysis of American Community Data by Zillow. The rate of working-age young adults living with mom has been on the rise for over a decade, jumping from 13.1% in 2005 to 21.4% in 2014. Increasing housing costs and longer education times are only partially to blame for the trend.

The Failure to Launch Syndrome

Failure to launch has been described as “a dysfunctional adult offspring” who doesn’t take the necessary steps to achieve independence combined with at least one parent who feeds the problem by “providing age-inappropriate services.”

Young adults are stigmatized and viewed as lazy and overly pampered. The shame they feel when comparing themselves to their peers who are starting new jobs and moving into apartments can be so paralyzing it keeps them mired in their situation. On the flip side, parents face scrutiny from their own friends and family for pandering to their adult children.

It’s a difficult situation for both sides.

Symptoms of Failure to Launch

Recognizing the signs of this syndrome in an adult child is a critical step in overcoming the problem. Look for these signs:

• Lack of motivation
• Difficulty getting or keeping a job
• Struggling in college
• Lack of purpose in life
• Lack of a sense of identity
• Lack of persistence
• Poor work ethic
• Failure to take responsibility
• Lack of goals
• Lack of desire or effort to move out
• Inability to handle stress
• High expectations of others without reciprocating

Understand that FTL isn’t solely your child’s problem. It’s a two-way street. As a parent, it is especially important to acknowledge that you may be enabling the situation with your behavior. Ask yourself if any of these signs apply to you:

• You don’t charge rent for their room.
• You buy their groceries and cook for them.
• You do their laundry.
• You clean their room and bathroom.
• You pay their car loan and car insurance.
• You pay for cell phones, the internet, and other items.
• You give them money for incidentals.
• You pay their tuition even if they are failing or have stopped going to class.

This codependent relationship can have lifelong consequences for everyone involved.

The Missing Link That’s Holding Young Adults Back

Focusing solely on fixing the symptoms associated with FTL is a mistake. You need to go deeper to find the root cause. What many people don’t realize is that hidden brain dysfunction and mental health issues among adult kids and/or the parents are often contributing to these symptoms. Issues that can keep young people from achieving their potential and make parents enablers include:

• Anxiety and depression
• Posttraumatic stress disorders (PTSD)
• Lack of focus and motivation due to ADD/ADHD
• Concussions and head injuries that impact motivation, moods, and memory
• Mood swings and depressive episodes related to bipolar disorder
• Negative thinking patterns
• Self-esteem issues
• Addictions

Tackling these root causes can help you and your adult offspring overcome FTL syndrome.

How to Break the FTL Cycle

Many well-meaning parents try a variety of things—such as threats and lecturing—to prompt their adult children to move out, but in many cases, these efforts end up aggravating the problem. What can parents do?

In a 2016 study, Dr. Eli Lebowitz, who has been researching the phenomenon for years, suggested it would be better for parents to stop calling it a “failure to launch” and start thinking of it as an opportunity for growth, change, and development.

To spark that growth and break the cycle, follow this process.

1. Start with tiny habits.

Recognize that changing habits can be a difficult process and don’t expect major improvements immediately. Making small changes can lead to big results.

2. Adopt rational thinking.

As a family, learn to kill the ANTs (automatic negative thoughts) that keep you and your adult child locked in this unhealthy pattern. Whenever you or your child feels mad, sad, or frustrated, write down your thought and ask yourself if it is true. Then talk back to the ANT to kill it.

Example:

ANT: My kid will never get a job.

Is this true? No, I can’t know that it will never happen.

Kill the ANT: My young adult child can learn the skills necessary to land a job and keep it.

When you adopt this kind of thinking, it helps you and your child feel empowered to do something about your situation rather than feeling stuck.

3. Stop blaming and start taking responsibility for your part in the problem.

Don’t view this as your child’s fault. Admit if you are enabling the situation and look for ways to change your behavior. This helps you feel empowered to be part of the solution rather than a helpless victim.

4. Help your child find their purpose.

Knowing their “why” can boost their motivation to set and achieve goals. One of the most effective ways to improve goal setting and motivation is an exercise called the One Page Miracle. On a sheet of paper have your young adult write down what they want out of life in terms of education, career, finances, social life, and family. Then before making any decisions, they should ask themselves, “Will this help me get what I want out of life?”

5. Encourage accountability.

Write a contract that spells out what you will pay for, what services you will provide, and what is expected from your adult offspring, and have all parties sign it. Think of this as an agreement between adults, similar to a contract with a tenant. Making a signed commitment increases the chances of success.

6. Enhance brain health to ensure better follow-through.

In order to successfully follow through on these steps, everyone in the family needs to optimize their brain health. This includes treating any mental health issues or past head injuries and making simple lifestyle changes can also boost brain health, including eating a healthy diet, daily exercise to boost blood flow to the brain, practicing stress-management techniques, and taking nutraceuticals to support brain health.

At Amen Clinics, we take a unique brain-body approach to diagnosis and treatment that includes brain SPECT imaging, as well as laboratory testing to check physical health, and other important factors that could be contributing to symptoms. By getting to the root cause of symptoms, we can create a more effective, personalized treatment plan.

If you want to join the tens of thousands of people who have already enhanced their brain health, overcome their symptoms, and improved their quality of life at Amen Clinics, speak to a specialist today at 888-288-9834. If all our specialists are busy helping others, you can also schedule a time to talk.