8 Sure-Fire Ways to Ruin Your Relationship

Here are eight of the most common ways people ruin a relationship. Do any of them sound familiar to you?

8 RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS AND 8 SOLUTIONS FOR THEM

Here are eight common relationship problems—things NOT to do—that sabotage marriages along with eight solutions for strengthening healthy relationships:

1. Blame

Ruin It: You blame your spouse/partner for all the problems in your relationship. By doing this, you fail to take ownership of your behavior and role in conflicts. Remember, it takes two to tango.

Fix It: Responsibility is your ability to respond to whatever situation you are in. Taking responsibility for your own words and actions empowers you to identify your contribution to the issues and take steps to change your behavior.

2. Insensitivity

Ruin It: You are insensitive toward your significant other. When you are dismissive of how your partner feels, it sends the message that you really don’t care about anyone but yourself, except to the extent that what he or she needs/feels/etc. doesn’t inconvenience you.

Fix It: Empathy is something you can learn to develop and can enable you to have closer relationships with others. Get outside of yourself by imagining what it’s like to “walk in someone else’s shoes” and start treating others the way in which you want to be treated. Practice will make progress!

3. Poor communication

Ruin It: You lack good communication skills and tend to jump to conclusions, always must be right, or use put-downs rather than engage in meaningful conversation with your partner. When this is the case, it’s no wonder every conversation ends in a stalemate!

Fix It: Listen when your spouse is talking, instead thinking about your response before he/she has finished. Pay attention to what they are actually saying and reflect it back to them. Saying something as simple as, “I heard you say [……]—Is that what you meant?” can convey that what they have to say is important to you and their needs matter. 

Press Play to Learn More About Hearing and the Brain

In a must-see episode of the Change Your Brain Every Day podcast, Charles Duhigg, author of Supercommunicators, joins Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana Amen to discuss how to become a better communicator to enhance your relationships at home and at work.

Click below to tune in.

                  Episode: The Power of Communication

4. People pleasing

Ruin It: You don’t say what you mean and let others run over you. For example, saying “yes” when you really want to say “no” is a set up for resentment and diminishes your sense of personal power.

When you acquiesce to your significant other in order to avoid conflict or because their anger makes you uncomfortable, you are teaching them how to treat—and control—you. This can lead to marital conflict.

Fix It: Assertiveness, in an appropriate way, is about being firm but kind. It isn’t about being aggressive. When you say what you mean and stick up for yourself, it garners greater respect and demonstrates better relationship balance.

5. No quality time

Ruin It: You have a busy life, and your spouse is not a priority. You tend to focus more on your kids, job, friends, chores, emails, etc. much more so than your partner. This sends the message that they really don’t matter that much to you.

In turn, they are likely to reciprocate the behavior to make up for the lack of connection—or possibly turn elsewhere to get their needs met.

Fix It: Time—actual physical time—spent together is necessary for any successful relationship. There’s no getting around this. Making an effort to have focused one-on-one time without distractions is imperative for maintaining a healthy connection to one another.

6. Negative thinking

Ruin It: You let your automatic negative thoughts (ANTs) have their way in your brain. We have thousands of thoughts every day, some positive and some negative, and not all of them are based on reality. Sometimes your thoughts tell you lies about your significant other, but you believe them anyway.

Fix It: Inquiring about the ANTs that are causing you distress—rather than accepting them at face value—can help you do some reality testing on them. For example, if one of your ANTs is that your spouse never listens to you, ask yourself if that is 100% true.

Really think about it and write down the times they actually did listen. Don’t forget, ANTs can lie and cause you unnecessary suffering.

7. Constant criticism

Ruin It: You pay more attention to what you don’t like about your partner, than what you do like. Perhaps you are critical and make them feel miserable when you don’t get your way. This type of behavior is relationship doom, not to mention it can adversely affect your partner’s self-esteem and sense of value.

Fix It: Noticing more of what you like about your loved one and their behavior, rather than what you don’t like, is called positive reinforcement and is likely to encourage more of the things you do like.

Relationships with at least five positive interactions for every one negative interaction are likely to be happier over time, according to relationship experts at the Gottman Institute.

8. Holding grudges

Ruin It: You stubbornly cling to grudges and hurts—even small incidental ones. You refuse to forgive your mate despite honest apologies. Did you know that holding onto transgressions in this way elevates your stress hormones, which in turn can adversely impact your mood, immune system, and overall health? 

Fix It: Grace is a universal form of forgiveness. By forgiving your spouse, you aren’t letting them off the hook or condoning their bad behavior. Instead, it is about creating some peace inside of yourself despite the painful thing that happened.

Although you likely wish that whatever it was had not happened, you cannot change the past. Through the process of forgiveness, you can release that incident’s control over you and how you feel. 

R-E-L-A-T-I-N-G

Together, the eight solutions provided above are part of an easy-to-remember acronym: RELATING.

Related: 8 Brain-Based Habits to Elevate Your Relationships

By following the recommendations for each item, you can learn to connect, communicate, appreciate, and love your partner better. By practicing these important tools, it’s possible for you and your spouse or significant other to avoid ruining what might otherwise be a meaningful relationship.