Raising children has always been a challenge. Parenting in the age of COVID has made everything harder. How can you know if you’re doing it right or getting it all wrong? Based on 30-plus years of
child psychiatrists treating children and their parents at Amen Clinics and on the science-backed techniques from Love & Logic, here are 7 parenting mistakes that can ruin your children’s lives and make your life miserable.
7 Parenting Mistakes That Can Ruin Your Children’s Lives
1. Notice what’s wrong.
When we get stressed or feel scared and depressed, we tend to zero in on the negative. Focusing on what your child is doing wrong is one of the worst things you can do to them. Kids crave attention, and if the only time you give them attention is when they’re doing something you don’t like, you’re basically training them to become a little monster.
The Fix: Notice what they’re doing right. Jim and Charles Fay of Love & Logic suggest writing down “I noticed that…” and then finding something positive about your kids that you can mention to them at least once a day. It could be, “I noticed that you like to draw” or, “I noticed that you shared with your sister.” Follow that up with eye contact, a smile, and a light touch.
2. React immediately any time your child makes you upset.
When your child has pushed your buttons and you’re feeling angry, frustrated, or highly emotional, it’s actually the
wrong time to dole out consequences. In stressful times, you’re more likely to yell, scream, or make rash decisions. Modeling this behavior teaches your child to act out in similar ways.
The Fix: When your kid makes you crazy, take a deep breath and gather yourself. Let your child know that there will be consequences for their actions and that you’re going to think about what they will be. This way, when you do deliver those consequences, you’ll be in a calm and composed state.
3. Stay on top of their homework.
If you’re convinced it’s your job to ensure that your child’s homework is done, but if you do so, you’re sabotaging their development. When you hold all the anxiety for them, it derails their ability to develop independence and to take responsibility for their own lives.
The Fix: Let your children know that their homework is their responsibility, not yours. Inform them calmly that if they don’t do it, there will be consequences, such as their teacher being upset with them. This allows youngsters to hold the anxiety for their own homework and teaches them responsibility.
4. Be permissive.
You may think that letting your children be free to do as they please is a surefire way to make them love you. Wrong! Permissiveness is bad for developing brains. Children need routine and authority. The frontal lobes—which are involved in decision-making, judgment, and impulse control—aren’t fully developed until a person’s mid-20s.
The Fix: You need to act as your child’s frontal lobes until theirs develop by being firm and kind and creating structure.
5. Tell your child what to do.
Hey, parents, here’s a tip: you talk too much! So many moms and dads are constantly lecturing their kids and telling them what to think, what to say, and how to act. Sometimes more important than what you say to your young ones, however, is
listening to what they have to say.
The Fix: As Charles Fay says, “If you don’t want a mess, say less!” At Amen Clinics, our child psychiatrists encourage parents to engage in active listening with your child. When they are speaking, don’t interrupt. Then repeat back what you heard to make sure you understood them correctly. This helps your child feel heard.
6. Skip self-care to cater to your kids.
During the pandemic, parenting has gotten so much harder. You may be tempted to avoid workouts, meditation, journaling, and other forms of self-care so you can focus all of your attention on your children’s needs. This is a big mistake because if you aren’t taking care of your own brain health and physical and psychological well-being, you won’t be at your best to care for them.
The Fix: Schedule time for yourself into your day. This will help you feel better, and it also models healthy behavior for your little ones. If they see you taking care of yourself, they will learn that self-care isn’t about being selfish.
7. Don’t worry about screen time.
If you use tablets, phones, or TVs as pseudo-babysitters, you’re in for trouble. Screen time has gotten out of control, and new research shows that using screens for long periods changes children’s brains in a negative way. Researchers at the National Institutes of Health performed
brain scans of 4,500 children. Those who had daily screen time usage of more than 7 hours showed premature thinning of the cortex, the outermost brain layer responsible for processing information from the physical world. Other studies show that too much screen time is associated with an increased risk of
depression,
anxiety, low
self-esteem, and other mental health issues.
The Fix: According to Charles Fay at Love & Logic, “Let your kids know that you allow screen time… as long as it doesn’t hurt relationships in the family.” Set limits on screen time and stick to those limits.
If you need help raising healthy children or if your kids are struggling with anxiety, depression, or other issues, don’t wait. During these uncertain times, waiting until life gets back to “normal” is likely to make problems and symptoms worsen over time.
Amen Clinics has partnered with Love & Logic to bring you the best science-backed tools to help. We offer in-clinic brain scanning and appointments, as well as mental telehealth, remote clinical evaluations, and video therapy for parents and children. Find out more by speaking to a specialist today at 888-288-9834 or visit our contact page here.
