7 Ways Other People’s Dragons Pick on You
By Daniel G. Amen, MD
Everyone struggles with inner Dragons from the Past that breathe fire on your emotional brain and can drive anxiety, depression, and other emotional health issues. Your brain is always listening to these “mental” dragons. In addition, your brain is always listening to the words and actions of other people (They, Them, and Other Dragons), both alive and dead, who each have their own Dragons from the Past. That’s why relationships are often messy.
Your brain is always listening to the words and actions of other people (They, Them, and Other Dragons), both alive and dead, who each have their own Dragons from the Past. That’s why relationships are often messy.
Unless you’re careful, you’re never just dealing with the moment; you’re also dealing with all the moments of all the people involved.
When They, Them, and Other Dragons Attack
In times of stress, such as when families, couples, and roommates have been cooped up for months to try to slow the spread of COVID-19, there is no escape from the They, Them, and Other Dragons. Being in close quarters escalates the fire breathing among these beasts. We’re also all being subjected to conflicting societal messages that left us feeling confused, sad, anxious, frustrated, angry, and fearful, and they are fueling our own Dragons from the Past. Let’s start by asking who “they” are. Growing up, my mother said (and maybe yours did too), “If you don’t have something good to say, don’t say anything at all. ‘They’ wouldn’t like it.” I often wondered who “they” were. Have you noticed people say things like “They said this . . .” “They said that . . .” “They think you should dress better, be taller, smarter, stronger, or more talented.” “They” are the collective voices in our heads that are constantly judging or criticizing our thoughts, actions, words, and the way we look.7 Types of They, Them, and Other Dragons
In my book, Your Brain Is Always Listening, I introduce you to a variety of They, Them, and Other Dragons that may be unconsciously impacting your happiness, relationships, and success, including:- Parent Dragons: Your brain is always listening to the voices of your mother or father (or mother or father figures) criticizing you or pushing you to be better.
- Sibling and Birth Order Dragons: Your brain is always listening to your birth order and the voices of your siblings, who were often competing with you for your parents’ attention.
- Children Dragons: Your brain is always listening to the voices of your children who often (although not always) adore you through their elementary school years then push away and criticize you during their adolescent and young adult years.
- Teacher and Coach Dragons: Your brain is always listening to the voices of your teachers who graded your intelligence and effort and your coaches who noticed your abilities and flaws.
- Friends, Popular Kids, Bullies, and Mean Girl Dragons: Your brain is always listening to the voices of your past friends, as well as the popular kids, bullies, and mean girls when you were growing up. These relationships soothe your dragons (good friends) or cause them to breathe fire (bullies and mean girls).
- Former, Current, and Prospective Lover Dragons: Your brain is always listening to this group. These are the most emotionally charged dragons of all, which is why they can make you more upset than any of the other ones, especially when the relationship goes sour.
- Internet Troll Dragons: Your brain is always listening to the voices of the people or bots on social media and the internet trolls who criticize you for sport. Unfortunately, this is happening at younger and younger ages.
