7 Ways to Provide Emotional Support Without Draining Your Reserves
Giving and receiving emotional support is an integral part of the human experience. After all, we are social creatures that need each other for survival. People who thrive generally have a good support system and know how to give help to others in healthy ways without sacrificing themselves. These same people have better personal relationships, better physical and psychological health, longevity, and greater emotional intelligence according to research.
People who thrive generally have a good support system and know how to give help to others in healthy ways without sacrificing themselves.
Of course, helping others makes us feel good, too. In fact, one recent study examining neural pathways and giving and receiving emotional support showed psychological benefits for both, but stress-reducing activity only in those who gave support. While our innate altruism may drive us to be emotional support for people in our lives, we receive some unique physiological benefits from doing so!
Below you’ll find a list of ways to help others while maintaining personal boundaries, compiled out of the collective wisdom of researchers and mental health professionals.
7 Ways to Provide Emotional Support Without Draining Your Reserves
1. Listen and validate.
One of the greatest ways to support someone emotionally is to be present and listen. Oftentimes, when someone is distressed about something, they need to talk about it without being interrupted, judged, dismissed, or given advice. Give them your undivided attention. Avoid distractions like your phone or letting your mind slip away to tasks you may need to do. Show interest in their words by facing them and having open body language, and signaling you are listening by nodding or saying, “yeah.” If you don’t understand something, ask them to clarify. “Tell me more,” is a great way to encourage someone to open up. After listening, it’s equally important to validate what someone has shared with you. A recent study examined how people responded to a variety of different messages offering emotional support. They found that messages that validated a person’s feelings were more effective and helpful than ones that were critical or diminished emotions. You can validate what someone has shared by reflecting back on the essence of what they shared without judgment. Research shows that being heard is not only helpful in providing emotional support, but it also has beneficial effects in resolving conflict too!2. Cultivate healthy empathy.
Empathy is the key ingredient when listening and validating another person’s experience. Empathy is essentially the capacity to share and understand another’s state of mind or emotion. In order to maintain your own sense of well-being while providing emotional support to another, research shows that it is important to think about how an individual is feeling (empathic concern) rather than attempting to feel someone’s pain (empathic distress). It’s a nuanced distinction, but an important one, especially for those who tend to have a lot of empathy. The research shows that identifying too much with how someone feels can trigger your own distress. If you find an individual’s heartache, emotional trauma or depression is feeling like your own that’s a sign that you need to take a step back. Ask yourself, “What are some of the feelings this person could be experiencing right now?” Take it off yourself. Research suggests it can help you diffuse negative emotions, which can make a real difference physically. A few breaths can help as well. And you can always ask the individual, “What do you need right now?” This takes you back to them. And it’s less likely you’ll get stressed and drained.3. Don’t judge, dismiss, fix, or give unsolicited advice.
This one is a tall order indeed! Even if you see that a challenging situation may be a result of a person’s actions, it does not help them to point it out. (This can be tempting especially for parents providing support to a teen or young adult.) They are likely struggling with their own negative thoughts. They need a compassionate listener, not a critical one. Be positive and constructive. Let them know you believe in their ability to overcome their challenge. Be careful not to dismiss someone’s pain. Well-meaning statements like, “It could be a lot worse,” or “At least you still have a job,” should be avoided. They deny their experience and often imply they shouldn’t feel bad in the first place. No matter how inconsequential you think someone’s concern is, don’t brush it off. It’s important to your own well-being not to get involved in fixing or giving unsolicited advice. It’s not your job to fix someone’s pain. Avoiding this will save you energy and the potential for someone to become too dependent on you. Once they have expressed their feelings, research shows that some offering solicited advice can be beneficial. Though, experts suggest directing solutions back to the individual, asking questions like, “What might help you feel better?” or “Is there someone who has dealt with this situation before you can talk to?”4. Do small things to help.
A friend or loved one trying to manage emotional challenges often has less capacity to handle some of the basics of day-to-day living and may neglect their own hygiene or health. Bypass grand acts of benevolence, and instead focus on small acts that are useful in order to be supportive. Doing this is an excellent way to avoid getting drained. Do only what have the time and energy to do. These small kindnesses can be much more meaningful. In a 2017 study, 495 men and women answered a series of questions about what makes them feel loved. Results showed that the participants saw the human connection as more meaningful expression of care than receiving lavish gifts. Some ideas might include:- Making them a brain healthy meal.
- Helping out in their home by doing dishes or laundry.
- Bringing flowers and their favorite treats.
- Running an errand such as posting mail or picking up dry cleaning.
