7 Signs You’re Deselfing in Your Relationship

Imagine this. You’re a bright woman with a strong social circle, a meaningful career that’s on the rise, and a passion for swimming. You meet a new man and hit it off. As you get to know each other, you find yourself spending more time with his friends than your own. You skip out on work-related networking events to attend his business dinners. And your Saturday mornings in the pool morph into taking lessons in his favorite hobby—golf. Over time, you’re gradually giving up who you are to fit into his world. This is known as deselfing.

What is Deselfing?

Deselfing is a detrimental process that occurs when a person relinquishes important aspects of their “self” in order to please someone else or to develop or maintain a relationship. Deselfing is not a new phenomenon, and it can occur in women or men, although it is more common in women. It isn’t the same as compromise, which is something that is required for a healthy relationship. When two people in a relationship compromise, they each give a little for the betterment of the couple. With deselfing, it’s primarily one person relinquishing too much of themselves for the other person’s benefit. It’s giving up your sense of identity, values, and interests in an effort to maintain the relationship. Deselfing is a detrimental process that occurs when a person relinquishes important aspects of their self in order to please someone else or to develop or maintain a relationship.

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How Deselfing Harms Your Mental Well-Being

This subtle erosion of identity may not be noticeable to you at first, but over time, it can lead to trouble. You may feel disconnected from friends and family. You may experience a sense of grief and loss for the activities you once loved. You may feel like you can’t be your authentic self in your partner’s presence. And constantly catering to your significant other’s needs rather than your own can be exhausting. It all adds up to feelings of resentment, repressed anger, depression, and burnout. People who deself are also likely to start blaming the other person for the way they feel. This sets the stage for marital conflict, negativity, and unhappiness. The first step to turning things around is to take a hard look at your life and admit that you’re deselfing.

7 Signs You’re a Deselfer

Answering yes to more than a few of these questions indicates a strong chance that you are deselfing in your relationship.

1. Are you hiding parts of yourself from your significant other?
2. Do you feel like you aren’t living your life fully because of your partner?
3. Do your friends say they miss you?
4. Do you skip family events?
5. Do you say no to work-related invitations?
6. Are you spending less time doing things you used to love?
7. Do you alter your daily routine significantly to fit into your significant other’s routine?

4 Ways to Re-Self and Regain Balance in Your Relationship

1. Learn to assert yourself.

This is a key component of re-selfing. Being assertive means expressing your thoughts and feelings in a firm yet reasonable way; not allowing others to emotionally run over you; and, not saying “yes” when you mean “no.” Note that being assertive doesn’t entail being angry, mean, or aggressive. It’s best to be calm, firm, and kind. And don’t think you need to practice assertiveness 24 hours a day. If you assert yourself all the time for unimportant issues, it invites oppositional behavior. Choose to assert yourself on important issues, such as when you feel like you’re being railroaded into doing something you don’t want to do.

2. Remember who you were pre-relationship.

Take some time and really think about all the things you have given up for the sake of your partner. You may not even be aware of some aspects of your personality or everyday life that you have relinquished until you start writing down a list. Be prepared for this to be an emotional experience for you that may dredge up feelings of anger or sadness.

3. Gradually re-engage with friends, family, and activities.

Begin reacquainting yourself with people you may have grown apart from and consider re-introducing yourself to hobbies you once enjoyed. However, don’t expect to pick up where you left off. For example, if you used to do a weekly dinner with a friend, start with a simple text to say hi and slowly rebuild the connection. If daily swims were the norm for you, start setting aside pool time once a week and increase from there.

4. Consider marital counseling or psychotherapy.

In some cases, navigating the re-selfing process may require professional help. You may benefit from seeing a mental health provider to rediscover your true self and to learn strategies to help you reconnect with your partner in a healthier way. Relationship problems and other mental health issues can’t wait. During these uncertain times, your mental well-being is more important than ever and waiting until life gets back to “normal” is likely to make your symptoms worsen over time. At Amen Clinics, we’re here for you. We offer in-clinic brain scanning and appointments, as well as mental telehealth, remote clinical evaluations, and video therapy for adults, children, and couples. Find out more by speaking to a specialist today at 888-288-9834 or visit our contact page here.