How to Overcome 4 Common Communication Roadblocks
When you’re confronted with a colleague, child/teen, friend, or romantic partner who needs to share a problem that they have strong feelings about, do you struggle with how to respond or fear you may say the wrong thing? You’re not alone. Unfortunately, many of us have learned poor communication styles and respond in ways that may provoke resistance, resentment, or retaliation, and damage relationships. However, we can learn better communication skills.
There’s nothing worse than judgment and criticism. It lacks empathy and destroys productive communication and relationships.
Researchers have examined what helps to facilitate productive communication, and what hinders it. Nearly 60 years ago, renowned communications training pioneer, clinical psychologist, and researcher Dr. Gordon Thomas determined a number of behaviors that impede productive communication in parents and leaders. He called them Communication Roadblocks, and they still hold true today.
They have inspired the following suggestions to help you overcome common communication roadblocks when someone comes to you to share a problem that they have strong feelings about.
COMMUNICATION ROADBLOCKS TO AVOID
1. Don’t Be An “Authoritarian”
If you’re in a position of power, such as in a supervisory or parental role, take off your authoritarian “hat” when an employee or child/teen shares a problem with you. No one wants to be coerced. Avoid these behaviors:- Responding with statements like “You must…” or “You have to…” will surely hinder communication. This kind of response lacks empathy and fails to acknowledge the person’s feelings, making them feel resentful and retaliatory. Often, responding in this manner will immediately end further communication, and you’ll lose an opportunity to hear an important concern.
- Similarly, statements like “You’d better stop, or I’ll…” and “If you don’t, then…” are void of empathy or understanding and tend to cause resentment and resistance.
- Also lacking empathy, responding with “You should…” or “You ought to…” indicates that the person needs to adopt what others deem to be right. It can cause guilt and conveys that the person sharing is not as wise as you, and they may resist and defend their own postures even more strongly.
2. Avoid “Big Me, Little You”
People want to be heard. When they offer up a problem, you may be compelled to try and solve it. Be careful of slipping into a destructive “Big Me, Little You” dynamic. Keep the focus on the person’s ability to find a solution, by avoiding the following approaches:- Giving advice. Responding with “I would do…” or “Why don’t you try…” robs them of the opportunity to think through an issue, consider options, and try them out. It encourages dependence and will trigger resistance.
- Using logic. Statements like “Wouldn’t it be better if…” and “Let’s look at the facts…” indicate your failure to hear the person and a desire to influence them with your own ideas. You become like a teacher, and the person may feel you see them as inadequate. They may become defensive or resentful, or they may defend their position more strongly. It halts continued communication.
- Playing therapist with phrases like “You’re just trying to…” or “You probably are feeling like that because…” can be threatening. If the analysis is accurate, the person may feel embarrassed at being exposed. If the analysis is wrong, they may feel hurt, angry, and resistant.
3. Don’t Dismiss
Don’t discount, dismiss, or deny the problem or the pain that the person shares with you. If you find yourself doing it, you might want to examine if what they are sharing is making you anxious or uncomfortable. Avoid these 3 dismissive behaviors:- Reassuring. Statements like “Don’t worry…” or “It could be worse…” minimize the person’s feelings and deny the seriousness of their problem, making them feel like you don’t really understand, and possibly like you wish to change them.
- Questioning. Responding with questions like “Why did you say that?” or “Then what did you do?” ignores the feelings of the person and indicates that you actually do not want to deal with the feelings or problem that was shared.
- Responses like “I’d rather not discuss this…” or “It’s your problem to handle…” clearly communicates a lack of respect for the person’s feelings. People are usually serious when they get the courage to talk about their feelings. If they hear a response that diverts or ignores them, it can make them feel hurt, rejected, belittled, frustrated, or angry.
4. Avoid Judging, Good or Bad
There’s nothing worse than judgment and criticism. It lacks empathy and destroys productive communication and relationships. Avoid it by being aware of these 3 behaviors:- Judgmental responses like “You’re not seeing this correctly…” or “You created this problem…” risk making a person feel defensive, inadequate, inferior, stupid, unworthy, or bad. You’re teaching that person to keep their feelings to themselves as it’s not safe to reveal their problems. Often, they become angry and feel hostile (especially if the judgment is correct).
- Surprisingly, responding with favorable assessments like “I totally agree with how you handled that…” or “You did the right thing…” can have a negative effect because the person realizes you may easily judge them negatively in the future. Or if you praise often, its absence may be interpreted as criticism. Praise can feel manipulative, a subtle way of influencing others to do what you want them to do. And if you praise a lot, you may make a person too dependent on it.
- Statements like “Okay, know-it-all…” or “You women/men/teenagers/seniors are all…” will likely make a person feel foolish, inferior, or wrong. It provokes defensiveness and may incite the person to argue or fight back rather than take a closer look at themselves. It does not convey acceptance and empathy.
Practice Active Listening
When a person comes to you to share a problem, avoid communication roadblocks by becoming an active listener, a skill used in interpersonal psychotherapy. When another person is sharing a problem, give them your full attention, show you are listening with your body language, and increase empathy by getting outside of yourself to get a sense of what they are thinking and feeling. Research on developing effective communication skills suggests following these tips:- Make time for the person by eliminating distractions such as the phone or by moving to a quiet room. Remove physical barriers, such as a desk, between you and the other party.
- Physically show you are listening by making eye contact and acknowledging what the other person is saying with facial and body gestures. Avoid arm crossing as it conveys a guarded stance and may suggest arrogance, dislike, or disagreement.
- Repeat back what they have heard with statements like “I hear you saying…” or “Is that what you meant?” Practicing this will help you to clearly hear and understand what the other person is communicating.
