“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
—Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy
Everyone comes face to face with grief at some point in their lifetime. Grief and loss can be overwhelming, leaving you with a range of emotions—sorrow, loneliness, helplessness, anger, guilt, numbness, emptiness, or all of the above. Suffering a loss can also cause physical symptoms, such as nausea or digestive issues, sleeplessness, headaches, fatigue, muscle tension, and chest pain. It’s also associated with
anxiety,
depression, and
memory loss.
In most cases after a loss, feelings of grief eventually subside, but for some people, they linger and make it difficult to get on with your life. Mental health professionals call this “complicated grief” or “prolonged grief,” and it can prevent you from getting back to work, taking care of your home, or maintaining healthy relationships with family and friends.
In cases of complicated grief, you may be following everyday advice in an effort to cope with your feelings. What you may not realize is that many commonly held beliefs about the grieving process could actually be intensifying your pain and making it last longer than necessary. It can leave you wondering if the grieving will ever end.
IS THERE A GRIEF TIMELINE?
There are no hard and fast rules regarding a grief timeline, and everybody grieves at their own pace. Some people feel like they’re drowning in sorrow and pain for months, years, or even decades after a loss. Others cope more quickly. Anything that reminds you of the loss—a place, a song, a routine (making coffee in the morning)—can dredge up painful feelings. Special occasions, such as birthdays, Mother’s Day, or
Father’s Day, can be especially trying.
We asked Amen Clinics patients to describe what grief feels like and how long the process took. You may relate to what they said.
I was married for 35 years and my wife died in a bicycle accident. Six months later, I was able to work and take care of the dogs, but the hole in my heart hurt the most when I went to bed alone at night. I would wake up crying in the mornings. One of my friends told me to ‘just move on.’ (This is an example of one of the worst things to say to a grieving person.)
I lost my teenage daughter almost 20 years ago, and the grief is still palpable. At first, it felt like a tsunami that would smother me, but as the years went by, it became more like a rhythmic wave. Every once in a while, though, a rogue wave comes out of nowhere, and I’m completely overwhelmed again.
My dad died 5 years ago, and I keep thinking it’s supposed to get easier as time goes by. But that’s not the case. As my two young sons grow up, I miss him even more because I wish he were here as a role model for my boys.
I thought I was coping pretty well after losing my best friend (we had been friends since we were in junior high) to cancer a year ago. But I heard a song she loved the other day on the radio, and the wounds opened up and felt raw again. I had to pull the car over and cry on the side of the road. I was a wreck the rest of the day.
I feel embarrassed to tell people this, but I’m still grieving the loss of my dog. I had to put him down 2 years ago, and my heart is still shattered. He was my constant companion, and he provided unconditional love. I was so bonded to my furbaby. When I try to explain it to people, they say, “Oh, you can just get another dog.” No, I can’t just replace him. He was special to me.
My wife died by suicide, and I have been wracked by guilt ever since, thinking there must have been something I could have done to prevent it.
7 COMMON MYTHS THAT PROLONG GRIEF
In working with our patients at Amen Clinics, we have found that there are several commonly held beliefs about grief that actually prolong the process and make it more painful.
1. Wait to start the healing process.
People often say you should wait to heal from grief, but this prolongs the process. If you fell and broke your arm, when would you want to start healing? Immediately! This doesn’t mean healing will be quick—it rarely is—but it’s important to start the process.
2. Accepting the loss is the final stage of grief.
Dr. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross wrote about the 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Waiting to go through these stages to arrive at acceptance will extend your grief. It is better to turn the 5 stages upside down—admit your loss, find peace, stop bargaining for something that will not change, reengage with others to avoid depression, and refuse to accept prolonged pain as a given.
3. It’s normal that you can’t sleep, so don’t try to fix it.
Grief often steals sleep. Insomnia decreases blood flow to the prefrontal cortex (PFC) in the front part of the brain. The PFC sends signals to quiet or calm your emotional brain; when it is weak, your emotions can get the best of you, and it is harder to make good decisions throughout the day. A healthier approach is to try a combination of melatonin (1 mg), vitamin B6 (10 mg), magnesium (100 mg), GABA (300 mg), 5-HTP (50 mg), and theanine (100 mg) to help promote grief-related sleep.
4. Avoid thinking about what happened.
In one
study, bereaved people who had lost someone to accidental death or homicide wrote for 15 minutes a day for 4 days. One group wrote about the loss; the other was asked to write about something trivial. Afterward, those who had written about the loss reported less anxiety and depression and greater grief recovery than those who had written about trivialities. Spend 15 minutes a day for 4 days getting the story out, making sure to list both the positives (“He is no longer suffering”) and the negatives (“I miss him so much it hurts”) of the situation to promote healthy grieving.
5. Focus only on the good things.
Too often, when people had a complicated relationship with someone who passes, they try to remember only the good times and completely ignore the bad ones. Remembering an unbalanced situation prolongs grief. Instead, remember the positive and make peace with the rest.
6. Keep your chin up and stifle your tears.
Holding back from crying in an effort to appear resilient isn’t helpful. When we bottle our feelings and refuse to cry, our
emotional brain becomes inflamed. After someone has died, it is healthy to let the tears flow freely.
7. Expect to get over the loss quickly.
If you believe the grieving process should be quick and painless, you’ll be setting yourself up for disappointment, frustration, and unresolved issues. Be patient. Grief is a journey, not a destination. Be patient with yourself as you work through the hard times and be patient with others too.
Prolonged or complicated grief, depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues can’t wait. During these uncertain times, your mental well-being is more important than ever and waiting until life gets back to “normal” is likely to make your symptoms worsen over time.
At Amen Clinics, we’re here for you. We offer in-clinic brain scanning and appointments, as well as mental telehealth, remote clinical evaluations, and video therapy for adults, children, and couples. Find out more by speaking to a specialist today at 888-288-9834 or visit our contact page here. 
