19 Worst Things to Say to a Grieving Person
Going through grief can leave a lasting imprint on the brain and mental health. It can make people feel sad, depressed, unable to concentrate, edgy, anxious, or irritable. And it can cause trouble sleeping, which exacerbates all those other symptoms of grief.
If you know someone who’s in mourning, you may want to offer some comforting words. But if you’re like many people, you might be afraid of saying something that doesn’t help or that ends up making them feel worse.
In this blog, you’ll discover what psychiatrists say are the worst things to say to someone who’s grieving as well as some of the best things you can say.
If you know someone who’s in mourning, you may want to offer some comforting words. But if you’re like many people, you might be afraid of saying something that doesn’t help or that ends up making them feel worse.
WHAT GRIEVING PEOPLE WISH YOU’D STOP SAYING
If you’re wondering what to say and what not to say to a grieving person, take advice from the neuropsychiatrists at Amen Clinics. Over the past 30-plus years, the mental health professionals at Amen Clinics have helped thousands of patients who are grieving after a major loss. Whether it’s the death of a loved one or the loss of a job, a sense of identity, a pet, or a home, these people are suffering. And their grief greatly impacts their brain function and can lead to what is called “grief brain.” In therapy sessions, grieving people have shared some very hurtful comments they’ve heard that made them feel worse after the loss of a loved one. For example, one woman was just 28 when her 30-year-old husband died in a car accident. She said, “I can’t believe how many people told me, ‘At least you’re young. You’ll find a new husband.’” Another Amen Clinics patient whose son died by suicide, cried when she remembered someone telling her, “It’s a blessing that you have other children.’” Granted, it can be difficult to know what to say or what not to say in life’s most difficult moments. That’s why it’s good to know the phrases that are helpful and the ones you should refrain from using.19 WORST THINGS TO SAY TO A PERSON IN MOURNING
To help you understand what typically comes off as hurtful rather than helpful, here are 19 things Amen Clinics patients said they wish people would stop saying to someone who’s grieving.-
“How are you doing?”
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“You’ll be okay after a while.”
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“I understand how you feel.”
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“You shouldn’t feel that way.”
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“Stop crying.”
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“At least he’s in a better place. His suffering is over.”
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“At least she lived a long life. Many people die young.”
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“She brought this on herself.”
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“Aren’t you over him yet, he’s been dead for a while now.”
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“There is a reason for everything.”
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“God’s in charge.”
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“She was such a good person. God wanted her to be with Him.”
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“Just give it time. Time heals.” (Time does not heal, taking the right steps heals.)
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“You’re young. You can still have other children.”
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“You’ll do better next time in love.”
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“It was just a dog (or cat). You can get another one.”
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“Stay busy. Don’t think about it.”
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“You have to be strong for your spouse, children, mother, etc.” (This diminishes their need to take time to heal.)
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“Just move on.”
13 HELPFUL THINGS TO SAY TO (OR DO FOR) A GRIEVING PERSON
Based on what thousands of Amen Clinics patients have said, here are better ways to communicate and connect with someone who’s in mourning.-
“I’m so sorry for your loss.”
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“I wish I had the right words. Please know I care, and I’m here for you.”
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“You and your loved ones are in my prayers.”
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“I can’t imagine how you feel.” Then be quiet and let them tell you about their feelings.
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“I can’t imagine how you feel. When I lost my father I felt …..” Then listen without judgment or criticism.
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“I’m here for you.” Better yet, if there is something specific they need, ask if you can do it for them. Ask if you can make phone calls or send emails on their behalf.
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“Can I go to the funeral?” This is often an important sign of support.
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“Want to talk about what happened?” Many people avoid this question, but it helps the griever to explain it, if they desire, and having a compassionate ear can help them process it more accurately.
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Just be present.
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Share a memory about the person who’s gone.
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Be empathetic. It’s okay for you to show your feelings.
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Continue connecting, even after a few months. Many people are inundated in the first few weeks, but they need support long after the funeral is over.
- Clinical depression
- Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
- Anxiety disorders
- Binge eating
- Chronic pain
- Low academic performance
- Choose your audience carefully. Some people are better listeners and more empathetic than others, so be selective. Pick a few close friends or family members with whom you can talk about your feelings.
- Join a bereavement group. Some people find great value in joining a grief support group. Being with other people who are grieving can make you feel less alone. In some cases, you may feel more willing to share openly with people who aren’t family and friends.
- See a mental health professional. If you feel like you need more help navigating grief, seek help from a grief counselor or mental health therapist. These individuals are trained to guide you through the most challenging periods of life and can provide helpful strategies, such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).
