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Loving Someone with ADHD: 12 Common Relationship Challenges
Facebook-f X-twitter Youtube Falling in love with someone with ADHD can be easy. People with this common mental health condition are often intelligent, passionate, and
Falling in love with someone with ADHD can be easy. People with this common mental health condition are often intelligent, passionate, and spontaneous, which can make a relationship exciting. Living with these people, however, can pose some unique emotional and behavioral challenges that may lead to relationship problems and marital conflict.
At Amen Clinics, the global leader in brain health, our neuropsychiatrists have worked with thousands of people with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)—also known as attention deficit disorder (ADD)—and their partners. Based on this experience, here are the 12 most common issues that arise in these relationships and some simple strategies to help partners of people with ADD cope more effectively.
Falling in love with someone with ADHD can be easy. Living with them, however, can pose some unique emotional and behavioral challenges that may lead to relationship problems and marital conflict.
THE EXCITING AND CHALLENGING SIDES OF ADHD IN RELATIONSHIPS
People with ADHD can be incredibly creative and high energy. Decades of clinical practice at Amen Clinics working with individuals who have ADHD have shown that they can be:
- Highly Intelligent: Comedic genius Ellen DeGeneres, author Mel Robbins, and talk show host Trevor Noah are just a few brilliant figures who have opened up about being diagnosed with ADHD.
- Creative: They often make wonderful writers, artists, and salespeople.
- Natural Risk Takers: Think entrepreneurs, CEOs, firefighters, ER physicians, and trauma nurses. While most people run away from dangerous situations, people with ADD tend to run towards them.
Thanks to these traits, life with someone who has the condition can be spontaneous, exciting, and unpredictable. But that same impulsivity and intensity can lead to conflict and misunderstanding.
The brain-imaging work at Amen Clinics using single photon emission computed tomography (SPECT) shows that people with this common condition often have abnormal activity in certain areas of the brain. single photon emission computed tomography (SPECT) is an advanced imaging technique that measures blood flow and activity in the brain.
SPECT scans reveal that ADHD is often associated with low blood flow and activity in the brain’s prefrontal cortex. The PFC is responsible for high-level brain functions such as decision-making, judgment, impulse control, and learning from one’s mistakes. Low blood flow here is linked to problems in these areas, which can have a negative impact on relationships.
For instance, research on marital relationships involving adults with ADHD indicated that they frequently held more negative perceptions of the relationship compared to their spouses, who reported higher levels of satisfaction.
12 COMMON ADHD RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGES
Let’s explore the most frequent issues couples face when one partner—or both—has ADHD and take a look at some of the consequences that can develop.
1. Speaking Without Thinking
Although a person has a thought, it doesn’t mean that it is accurate or that they even necessarily believe it. Statements like “that’s a stupid idea” can be damaging to hear in a relationship and result in hurting the person on the receiving end. Yet, many people with ADHD tend to blurt out whatever comes to mind without thinking about how it will affect their partner.
2. Misperceptions and Communication Breakdowns
Misperceptions often cause serious problems in relationships. Often the spouse of an ADHD person must spend an inordinate amount of time correcting misperceptions that lead to disagreements.
One Amen Clinics patient said that before he was leaving on a business trip, he told his wife that he was going to miss her. She heard his words as “I’m not going to miss you” and was angry at him for the rest of the night, no matter what he said.
Science backs this up. One study in the Journal of Attention Disorders found that people with ADHD have higher levels of interpersonal problems and troubles with family relationships.
3. Interruptions and Distractibility
Due to distractibility, conversations are often cut short or left uncompleted, leaving the other person feeling unimportant. People with ADHD need to have what they want right away, which often causes problems in situations where they need to take turns, such as in conversations.
Spouses often complain that they are cut off or interrupted, which makes them feel disrespected.
4. Chronic Procrastination and Disorganization
People with ADHD person often wait until the very last minute or are too disorganized to get things done such as paying the bills, buying holiday gifts, or making dinner reservations for anniversaries.
A study performed on people with ADHD showed that poor time management, low self-esteem, and worries may be associated with reduced interpersonal skills and difficulty maintaining relationships.
In addition, they may not complete chores even though they fully intended to do so. This may irritate spouses who feel the need to pick up the loose pieces or who feel unloved or unimportant.
5. Sensory Sensitivity
Some adults with ADHD are sensitive to touch, which can make them shy away from affection. This can harm a relationship, especially if the person’s partner wants or needs affection.
6. Excessive or Minimal Talking
Sometimes people with ADHD talk for self-stimulation. There is an internal drive to go on and on. This may irritate significant others, who feel like a prisoner of the conversation—or monologue—because they can’t get a word in edgewise.
In other cases, people who love someone with ADHD may complain that there is little talking or emotional expression in the relationship. “They seem turned off when they come home” is a common complaint, and many spouses report getting short responses, such as, “fine” or “OK.”
7. Risk-taking Behavior
This type of behavior worries the partners of the ADHD person. In some cases, spouses feel pressured to go along with dangerous or reckless behavior, causing a rift in the relationship.
8. Emotional Volatility and Mood Swings
Many spouses say that they never know what to expect from their ADHD partner. “One minute they’re happy, the next minute they’re screaming,” is a common complaint. Small amounts of stress may trigger huge explosions.
Problems with emotional regulation and ADD are common. Some studies have reported that approximately 70% of adults with ADHD struggle with emotional dysregulation. Rooted in an inability to manage emotional responses, emotional dysregulation can look like bursts of rage, crying, and temper.
After this occurs several times in a relationship, the partner can become “gun shy” and may begin to withdraw from the person. In some cases, untreated ADHD may be often involved in abusive relationships.
9. Drama-seeking
This is a common complaint among people living with someone who has ADHD. People with this condition often look for trouble as a way to self-stimulate. Rather than ignoring a minor incident, they focus on it and have difficulty letting it go.
Romantically, partners who have ADHD struggle in navigating conflict resolution and maintaining the relationship long term. Things in an ADHD house do not remain peaceful for long periods of time.
10. Restlessness and Escapism
Having ADHD can make a person feel restless or anxious, causing them to seek out ways to relax. They may use excessive sex, food, or alcohol to try to calm themselves.
One patient at Amen Clinics had sex with his girlfriend over 500 times in the last year of their relationship. She left him because she felt that their relationship was only based upon sex.
11. Difficulty Seeing Other’s Emotional Needs
Many people with ADHD have trouble getting outside of themselves to see the emotional needs of others. Studies have shown that adults with ADD tend to have lower levels of empathy.
This is theorized to stem from the difficulties tied to socializing skills, executive functioning, and emotional dysregulation. Spouses often label them as spoiled, immature, or self-centered.
12. Repeating The Same Arguments Without Resolution
People with ADHD often engage in repetitive, negative arguments with their partner. They don’t learn from the interpersonal mistakes from their past and repeat them again and again.
6 Survival Strategies for Partners of ADHD Individuals
Supporting a partner with ADHD is critical for your relationship, as well as for your loved ones’ physical and mental health. Research on people with ADHD over the age of 50 found that a lack of a support system negatively impacted quality of life. On the flip side, having a supportive spouse enhanced daily functioning and overall sense of well-being.
If you’re wondering how to support an ADHD partner, try the following expert tips. These ADHD survival strategies can help reduce conflict and improve emotional connection in relationships.
1. Be specific with requests.
Avoid vague requests. Clarity helps reduce misunderstandings. For example, when you ask your significant other to do something, make it clear. Instead of asking, “Can you rake the leaves?” try “Can you rake the leaves before lunchtime?”
2. Use reminders and technology tools.
Set up alerts, lists, and visual cues to help your partner stay on track. Perhaps you leave sticky notes around the house for them, download a shared calendar app, or set up check-in reminders to show your investment.
Related: 8 Brain-Based Habits That Elevate Your Relationships
3. Adjust expectations.
Accept your partner’s strengths and limits with compassion, not frustration. This may involve building in extra time when making plans, asking them to sit down and connect if you’re feeling ignored, or even offering support if they are not meeting your expectations.
4. Set boundaries and enforce them gently.
Boundaries build safety. Remind often and reinforce without shaming. If your partner is raising their voice at you during a heated discussion, instead of adding fuel to the fire, you could say “I want to keep talking, but I need us to lower our voices. I won’t continue the conversation if we’re yelling.”
5. Encourage a brain-healthy lifestyle.
Exercise, nutrition, and supplements like omega-3 fatty acids and green tea can improve brain function. Suggesting healthy meal ideas, making plans with them that involve exercise, and having nutritious snacks available in the house can all help.
6. Understand their ADHD type.
Based on the brain-imaging work at Amen Clinics, there are seven types of ADHD:
- Classic ADHD
- Inattentive ADD
- Overfocused ADD
- Temporal Lobe ADD
- Limbic ADD
- Ring of Fire ADD
- Anxious ADD
Knowing more about your partner’s ADHD type can increase understanding and help you come up with targeted solutions to reduce symptoms and improve relationships.
When natural solutions or traditional treatments aren’t working, a brain scan may be beneficial to identify their type and to see signs of other problems, such as traumatic brain injuries that can mimic or worsen ADHD symptoms.
Related: 7 Types of ADHD eBook
WHEN TO CONSIDER A BRAIN SCAN OR PROFESSIONAL HELP
If your partner has ADHD and marriage problems persist despite trying natural interventions and standard treatments, it may be time to seek help from a mental health professional. In some cases, a SPECT scan can offer insights into the underlying neurological patterns contributing to relationship conflict.
In marital partnerships, there are promises and investments made. While these deepen the relationship, they also invite larger expectations, greater responsibilities, and a constant collision of lifestyles.
To make sure that you are there for each other “in sickness and in health”, there are resources you can seek to support both you and your partner.
ADHD can be challenging not only for the person diagnosed, but also for their romantic partner. Each person in the relationship experiences unique obstacles and overcoming the relational complexities requires effort and vulnerability.
While these types of dynamics require more work, it’s this very investment in which healthy habits are more frequently practiced, and a deeper, more resilient union is formed.
FAQ
Communication issues, emotional dysregulation, impulsivity, and forgetfulness are common relationship strains that often stem from untreated or mismanaged ADHD.
Support looks like structure, clear communication, and healthy boundaries, not rescuing or doing everything for them. Encourage brain-healthy routines and consistency.
Yes, there are seven types of ADHD, and each requires different strategies. A brain scan can uncover the specific type and lead to more effective solutions for both behavior and relationship success.
ADHD and other mental health conditions can’t wait. At Amen Clinics, we provide personalized, science-backed treatment plans designed to target the root causes of your symptoms. Our 360-approach includes brain SPECT imaging, clinical evaluations, innovative therapeutic techniques, medications (when necessary), and holistic lifestyle recommendations to promote the health of your brain, body, and mind. Speak to a specialist today at 888-288-9834 or visit our contact page here.
Amen Clinics
Founded in 1989 by double-board certified psychiatrist and neuroscientist Daniel G. Amen, MD, Amen Clinics Inc. (ACI) is known as the best brain and mental health company in the world. Our clinical staff includes over 50 healthcare specialists, including adult and child psychiatrists, integrative (functional) medicine physicians, naturopaths, addiction specialists, forensic psychiatrists, geriatric psychiatrists, nutritionists, licensed therapists, and more. Our clinicians have all been hand-selected and personally trained by Dr. Amen, whose mission is to end mental illness by creating a revolution in brain health. Over the last 35-plus years, ACI has built the world’s largest database of functional brain scans—over 250,000 SPECT scans on patients from 155 countries—related to how people think, feel, and behave.
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Sodano, S. M., Tamulonis, J. P., Fabiano, G. A., Caserta, A. M., Hulme, K. F., Hulme, K. L., Stephan, G. R., & Tronci, F. (2019). Interpersonal Problems of Young Adults With and Without Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder. Journal of Attention Disorders, 25(4), 562-571. https://doi.org/10.1177/1087054718821728 (Original work published 2021)
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The Hidden Dangers of Bottling Up Emotions
Bottling up emotions can harm your brain, body, and relationships. Learn the risks—and how to process emotions in healthy ways.
When someone asks how you are, is “fine” your default answer—even when you’re not? Do you tend to hide your true feelings from others, including close friends and family?
Do you often feel disconnected and numb? Or are you prone to excessive or explosive emotional outbursts or reactions, even after seemingly minor setbacks?
Any of these symptoms may occur when you bottle up your emotions, a habit also called emotional suppression. This means that rather than facing, feeling, and working through emotions—whether positive or negative—you tend to bury or deny them.
While it can seem preferable in the moment to avoid feeling difficult emotions, this practice can lead to all kinds of issues, psychological as well as physical. This blog will explore some of its many dangers, symptoms to watch out for, and how to instead process your emotions in healthy ways.
Over decades, researchers have discovered significant evidence that bottling up emotions is associated with a long list of negative effects, from poorer health outcomes to less satisfying relationships.
THE DANGERS OF BOTTLING UP EMOTIONS
Over decades, researchers have discovered significant evidence that bottling up emotions is associated with a long list of negative effects, from poorer health outcomes to less satisfying relationships.
Related: 8 Negatives of Positive Thinking
Here are just some of the ways that suppressing emotions can impact well-being:
Social consequences. A study of students published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology examined the links between suppressing emotional expression and the adaptation and social skills required for transitioning to college.
Researchers found that “suppression predicted lower social support, less closeness to others, and lower social satisfaction.” Indeed, an inability to trust others and to express emotions are often intertwined.
Mortality risk. A 12-year study surveyed the association between suppressed emotions and mortality. It considered death from all causes, as well as cardiovascular and cancer mortality.
Those with emotional suppression scores in the higher range (75th percentile) had a 35 percent greater risk for all-cause mortality than those in the 25th percentile. That number jumped to a 70 percent greater risk when examining cancer and cardiovascular disease mortality in particular.
Mental health issues. A study of men with prostate cancer, almost half of whom demonstrated signs of major depression, found that suppressing emotions was linked to anger and depression symptoms. Bottling up emotions was associated with low moods, sleep problems, and feelings of guilt among the cancer patients studied.
Different research uncovered an association between bottling up emotions and increased aggression. In this case, subjects who suppressed their reactions to disturbing film scenes displayed more aggression afterward, versus those who were allowed to show their emotions while viewing.
Finally, a study that examined adolescents between 14-19 years old found links between emotional suppression and how they responded to challenging life events. Those who bottled up their emotions were more likely to experience both suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts.
Compromised health and decision making. A 2019 study that examined repressed emotions symptoms noted many dangerous ripple effects of this habit, including:
- Physiological symptoms, including chronic pain, fatigue, and sexual dysfunction
- Immune system suppression
- Substance abuse
- Poor nutrition and/or disordered eating
- Lack of exercise
- Abnormal sleep patterns
- Poor compliance with medical interventions
- Self-destructive behaviors
- Higher stress levels
Clearly, emotional suppression consequences can be hazardous to health and relationships in numerous ways. Repressed emotions, in addition to the many effects outlined above, may also lead to angry outbursts, isolation, and feelings of numbness.
Keep in mind that bottling up your emotions doesn’t always look negative. For example, some people bottle up their emotions by restricting themselves to only positive thinking. This habit, also called “toxic positivity,” can be just as harmful, since negative emotions must be allowed expression for optimal mental health.
Human beings evolved to have a negativity bias, because staying alert and aware of potential dangers literally keeps us alive. So, while it’s harmful to remain stuck in an overly critical outlook, it’s important to acknowledge and even embrace negative emotions when they arise.
Press Play to Learn More About Negativity Bias
In this episode of the Change Your Brain Every Day podcast, Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana Amen discuss why we tend to have fear-based thoughts.
Click below to tune in:
Video: Negativity vs. Positivity Bias: Why Are We Hardwired to Be Negative?
HOW TO STOP BOTTLING UP EMOTIONS
If you’re guilty of bottling up your emotions, it’s possible to change this habit. You can learn how to be more expressive and cope with your feelings rather than stuffing them down or pretending they don’t exist.
Here are some tactics to start processing your emotions in a healthier way:
- Conduct regular check-ins. Pause and ask yourself throughout the day how you’re feeling. Scan your physical body for signs of tension, like a clenched jaw or digestive issues.
The first step toward processing negative emotions is being aware that they exist. Fortunately, your physical state will often alert you to these issues.
- Find healthy outlets for your emotions. Physical activity is a great way to regulate emotions and boost mood while making an investment in your long-term health.
Meanwhile, stress-relieving practices like meditation, prayer, and deep breathing also help relieve anxiety and can reduce the intensity of your strongest emotions.
- Journal to release emotions. Emotional freedom journaling is a brain-healing tool that helps you uncover and release the negative emotions that may be fueling emotional or physical pain.
This practice encourages you to review your life, revisiting both positive and painful experiences along the way. It helps bring repressed emotions like fear, shame, or anger into conscious awareness.
This practice helps you get out of a harmful cycle of distress and gently moves you toward peace, clarity, and true emotional freedom.
- Share with a trusted audience. Whether you seek out a friend, family member, counselor, or mental health professional, having someone to talk with about your emotions can lessen their burden. It can also help you get comfortable with showing your emotions to others—without apologizing for them.
- Face your emotional fears. We’ve all heard the saying, “There’s nothing to fear but fear itself.” There’s a lot of truth to this statement. Facing our fears (such as negative emotions) will help us understand that there’s nothing to fear!
For example, approaches like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help rewire negative thought patterns while introducing healthier ways to handle challenges and stressors. You can also deconstruct and reframe any automatic negative thoughts (ANTs) using Amen Clinics’ How to Kill the ANTs practice.
Related: Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs) How to Stop Toxic Thinking and Rewire Your Brain
Over time, you will learn that you don’t need to avoid or be afraid of negative emotions. They are actually instrumental in making us stronger, wiser, and more resilient human beings. They only need to be processed in a healthy way and in safe settings.
EMBRACE YOUR EMOTIONS FOR BETTER HEALTH
While it’s more acceptable now to display emotions than in decades past, they can still be a source of shame, guilt, and fear for many Americans. This can be especially true for men, who are often taught to be stoic or “strong” in the face of threats.
But we now know that showing our emotions is a sign of strength. And “sucking it up” can destroy our health—physical, psychological, and emotional.
Rather than bottling up your emotions, learn to let them out in productive ways. With practice and patience, you’ll notice that your well-being, relationships, and quality of life steadily improve.
Amen Clinics
Founded in 1989 by double-board certified psychiatrist and neuroscientist Daniel G. Amen, MD, Amen Clinics Inc. (ACI) is known as the best brain and mental health company in the world. Our clinical staff includes over 50 healthcare specialists, including adult and child psychiatrists, integrative (functional) medicine physicians, naturopaths, addiction specialists, forensic psychiatrists, geriatric psychiatrists, nutritionists, licensed therapists, and more. Our clinicians have all been hand-selected and personally trained by Dr. Amen, whose mission is to end mental illness by creating a revolution in brain health. Over the last 35-plus years, ACI has built the world’s largest database of functional brain scans—over 250,000 SPECT scans on patients from 155 countries—related to how people think, feel, and behave.
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Chapman BP, Fiscella K, Kawachi I, Duberstein P, Muennig P. Emotion suppression and mortality risk over a 12-year follow-up. J Psychosom Res. 2013 Oct;75(4):381-5. doi: 10.1016/j.jpsychores.2013.07.014. Epub 2013 Aug 6. PMID: 24119947; PMCID: PMC3939772.
Rice SM, Kealy D, Ogrodniczuk JS, Seidler ZE, Denehy L, Oliffe JL. The Cost of Bottling It Up: Emotion Suppression as a Mediator in the Relationship Between Anger and Depression Among Men with Prostate Cancer. Cancer Manag Res. 2020 Feb 11;12:1039-1046. doi: 10.2147/CMAR.S237770. PMID: 32104085; PMCID: PMC7023872.
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Kaplow, J.B., Gipson, P.Y., Horwitz, A.G. et al. Emotional Suppression Mediates the Relation Between Adverse Life Events and Adolescent Suicide: Implications for Prevention. Prev Sci 15, 177–185 (2014). https://doi.org/10.1007/s11121-013-0367-9
Patel, J. (2019). Consequences of repression of emotion: Physical health, mental health and general well being. International Journal of Psychotherapy Practice and Research, 1(3), 16–21. https://doi.org/10.14302/issn.2574-612X.ijpr-18-2564. https://oap-journals.org/ijpr/article/999