TL;DR:
Medically reviewed by Kandace Licciardi, MD, Medical Director, Amen Clinics
Dysfunctional families may be a mainstay of television sitcoms, but those who have been brought up in toxic family systems know that they’re no laughing matter. Children raised by unstable parents instead of in loving, healthy homes are at greater risk for a variety of hardships throughout their lives.
If you’ve grown up in such an environment and have worked to establish healthier dynamics as an adult, you might feel challenged when confronted with your family. Whether you’re wondering how to get through holiday gatherings or monthly phone calls, developing healthy strategies to cope with dysfunctional family members will help preserve your own physical and mental well-being.
Dysfunctional family members and dysfunctional family dynamics are devastating to children. Fortunately, adults have the ability to break the chains of these unhealthy patterns and start to heal themselves from their own dysfunctional backgrounds.
“Dysfunctional” is an umbrella term that can describe a variety of dynamics within a family system. There are several types of dysfunctional families, including those marked by:
Such dynamics create an environment where unhealthy practices thrive. These families may display or encourage damaging habits like codependency, secrecy, manipulation, triangulation, and lack of boundaries. These households are often marked by instability, inconsistency, and lack the feeling of safety.
As a result, members of the family may struggle with feelings of isolation, perfectionism, confusion, low self-esteem, and an absence of healthy ways to process emotions. Typically, these unhealthy dynamics are passed down from generation to generation in a family.
Children who grow up in these families are more likely to struggle with a wide range of issues in adolescence and adulthood. These children tend to score higher on the adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) questionnaire, which evaluates troubles like abuse, neglect, incarceration, mental illness, and substance abuse in the home.
Having more ACEs raises the risk of developing mental health conditions, ranging from anxiety and depression to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and substance use disorders.
Unless they seek help, these children are also likely to carry their families’ unhealthy dynamics into all of their future relationships. They may underperform at school and work, have trouble regulating their emotions, or experience negative physical health symptoms.
Conversely, they may become hyper-independent, high achievers with high stress levels, which also takes a serious toll on mental and physical health. Studies have noted that perfectionists, for example, are more likely to struggle with depression, relationship problems, eating disorders, marital troubles, and even suicide.
The Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families (ACADF) World Service Organization details 14 traits in its Laundry List that result from growing up in households marked by substance abuse or other dysfunction. Dr. Claudia Black — a pioneering expert in family dysfunction, addiction, and childhood trauma — famously summed up these families’ unspoken rules as “Don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel.”
Related: Which of the 5 Types of Dysfunctional Families Do You Have?
Dysfunctional family members and dysfunctional family dynamics are devastating to children. But adults have the ability to break these unhealthy patterns and start to heal themselves from their own dysfunctional backgrounds.
They can also create better interpersonal practices and thus improve their relationships—even with family members who are still caught in the cycle of dysfunction. Here are 6 strategies to try:
Related: It Only Takes One Troubled Brain to Hurt the Whole Family
Enacting healthy coping strategies to deal with family dysfunction can feel like an uphill battle, and the dynamics themselves often don’t change. But putting in the work to change your relationship to those dynamics enables more autonomy, freedom, and peace over the long term.
Creating healthier patterns for yourself is worth the effort — and could even create positive ripple effects for your family’s future generations to come.
A dysfunctional family may be characterized by chronic conflict, poor communication, emotional or physical neglect, abuse, substance misuse, emotional unavailability, harsh punishment, or untreated mental health issues. Other common patterns include codependency, secrecy, manipulation, triangulation, inconsistent behavior, and a lack of healthy boundaries.
Growing up in a dysfunctional family can contribute to low self-esteem, difficulty regulating emotions, perfectionism, people-pleasing, hyper-independence, relationship problems, and unhealthy coping behaviors. Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) are also associated with an increased risk of mental and physical health problems later in life.
Focus on the behaviors and responses you can control rather than trying to change other people. Set clear boundaries, adjust unrealistic expectations, recognize emotional triggers, and use healthy coping strategies such as exercise, meditation, journaling, therapy, or support groups. In some situations, limiting contact may also be necessary to protect your well-being.
Yes. Healing from dysfunctional family dynamics is possible, although changing patterns learned in childhood often takes time and practice. Therapy, healthy relationships, emotional regulation skills, appropriate boundaries, and greater awareness of learned behaviors can help you develop healthier patterns and prevent family dysfunction from continuing into future relationships.
Family issues, substance abuse, anxiety, and other mental health conditions can’t wait. At Amen Clinics, we practice precision medicine — using brain SPECT imaging and comprehensive evaluations to understand what’s really happening in your brain, not just your symptoms.
Our whole-body approach to holistic psychiatry combines cutting-edge neuroscience with natural ways to treat mental health conditions, including targeted nutrition, supplements, lifestyle strategies, therapy, and medications (when necessary). Every treatment plan is personalized to address the root causes of your struggles and support the health of your brain, body, and mind.
Don’t settle for guesswork. You deserve answers — and a plan built specifically for you. Speak with a Brain Health Advisor today at 855-378-3998 or visit our contact page to get started.
About the Reviewer
Kandace Licciardi, MD, Medical Director, Amen Clinics
Dr. Kandace Licciardi is a double board-certified psychiatrist in adult and forensic psychiatry and serves as Medical Director of Amen Clinics Dallas Metro Area. She takes a comprehensive, whole-person approach to care, integrating evidence-based psychiatric treatment with lifestyle, social, and wellness factors. Dr. Licciardi has extensive experience treating depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, psychotic disorders, and borderline personality disorder, with special expertise in early psychosis intervention. She completed her psychiatry residency at Maimonides Medical Center and her forensic psychiatry fellowship at New York University.
McCauley DM, Sloan CJ, Xia M, Fosco GM. Same family, divergent realities: How triangulation preserves parents’ illusory harmony while adolescents navigate interparental conflicts. J Fam Psychol. 2021 Mar;35(2):128-137. doi: 10.1037/fam0000785. PMID: 33871274; PMCID: PMC8336947.
York University. “Perfectionism Can Lead To Imperfect Health: High Achievers More Prone To Emotional, Physical And Relationship Problems.” ScienceDaily. ScienceDaily, 14 June 2004. <www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2004/06/040614074620.htm>.
The Laundry List—14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families World Service Organization, Inc. https://adultchildren.org/literature/laundry-list/
