Everybody wants to know the secrets to a strong relationship and a happy marriage, but it can be just as important to know what leads to marital conflict. By understanding what you—or your significant other—are doing to mess things up, you can learn how to turn things around to create healthy relationships.
In this blog, you’ll discover some of the most common relationship killers and how they’re often linked to unhealthy brain activity.
If you want to learn additional things people do to sabotage relationships as well as simple brain health strategies to overcome these issues and strengthen your marriage, tune in to the Change Your Brain Every Day podcast, hosted by Dr. Daniel Amen and his wife Tana Amen. Their two-part series on relationships is available wherever you get your favorite podcasts.
9 WAYS TO RUIN A RELATIONSHIP
Saying everything that pops into your head
Anyone who is married knows that it’s best to keep some thoughts to yourself. But some people can’t help blurting out the rude thoughts that pop into their head, and it leads to relationship trouble.
This may be related to lower-than-normal activity in the brain’s frontal lobes. Over 250,000 brain SPECT scans on over 100,000 patients at Amen Clinics show that low activity in the prefrontal cortex is commonly seen in people with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), also known as attention deficit disorder (ADD), or a history of head injury.
Other neuroimaging research confirms the link between reduced brain activity in this region and ADHD. Decreased activity in the PFC is linked to impulsivity, which can make you blurt out things that are hurtful to the one you love.
Playing “let’s have a problem”
Have you ever noticed how some people like to get their loved ones riled up? It’s as if they like the “excitement” that comes from starting arguments or “poking the bear.” But this isn’t helpful for your marriage.
This tendency is commonly seen in people with ADD/ADHD, who have low activity in the frontal lobes. It serves as a way for them to stimulate brain activity by boosting blood flow in the brain. Unfortunately, this innate need to stimulate the brain leads to trouble in relationships.
Holding on to past hurts
When you can’t forgive your significant other, or you can’t get beyond arguments from the past, it can be a sign of an overactive anterior cingulate gyrus (ACG). This area of the brain acts like a gear shifter.
When your ACG works too hard, you tend to get stuck on old hurts or hold grudges. In addition, if you don’t take responsibility for your own role in the past problems and you blame your spouse for everything that went wrong, you’re headed for more problems.
Not focusing on what you want
What is your ultimate goal in your marriage? Is it to prove that you’re right all the time? Or is it to have the best relationship possible?
If you don’t know what your overarching goal is, you won’t be able to focus on the behaviors that will help you achieve it. And you’ll be more likely to do things that can sabotage it—rather than make it better.
Not getting enough zzzz’s
When you skimp on sleep or suffer from chronic insomnia, your brain can’t function optimally, and this can affect your mood, decision-making, and memory.
If sleep issues contribute to being in a rotten mood, forgetting your anniversary, or deciding to go out drinking with friends instead of being with your spouse their birthday, it’s going to lead to big issues.
Hanging with the wrong crowd
If you surround yourself with negative people who constantly complain about what’s wrong with their marriage, guess what? You’ll probably start complaining too.
When you focus on the negative, you train your brain to look for what’s wrong, rather than noticing what’s right. What might make this even worse is that a 2020 research study found that repetitive negative thinking may increase the risk for Alzheimer’s disease.
Having an extramarital affair…with your phone!
Staring at your phone so you can scroll through your social media feed while you’re having lunch with your spouse is a relationship killer. The inability to resist the lure of your phone—AKA “phubbing” (phone snubbing)—makes the other person feel ignored and not worthy of your attention. Is that what you really want?
Plus, it can also be a sign that you’ve got attentional issues or even addiction problems. A study published in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health found that excessive use of social networking sites can lead to some of the same symptoms that are commonly seen with substance use addictions.
Being addicted to alcohol, drugs, or anything else
If you’re drinking too much alcohol, smoking marijuana, or watching pornography on an endless loop, it is likely interfering with being present in your marriage.
Addictive behavior alters the way the brain functions, according to a growing body of scientific evidence. Unhealthy, out-of-control habits can damage brain function and lead to more bad decisions and destructive behaviors.
Ignoring mental health conditions and brain health issues
The brain-imaging work at Amen Clinics using SPECT scans shows that mental health issues—such as clinical depression, anxiety disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), bipolar disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)—are really brain health issues.
These mental health conditions are all rooted in brain function and when left undiagnosed, untreated, or improperly treated, they can destroy a marriage.
For example, when you’re depressed, it’s difficult to think of anyone but yourself, and that can create a disconnect between the two of you.
When a spouse doesn’t understand their partner has a brain health problem, bad behavior can be taken personally and make them feel like their significant other doesn’t love them, is being mean on purpose, or is quite simply, a jerk.
Unless you treat the underlying brain health problems, it can be challenging to have a healthy relationship. It can also get in the way of making progress in couples therapy or marital therapy. Healing the root causes of the problem is the key to a better partnership.
HOW TO BUILD A HEALTHIER RELATIONSHIP
By becoming more aware of how your decisions and behavior many be dismantling the health of your relationship, you can start making the positive changes necessary to rebuild the trust and love that brought the two of you together in the first place.
To learn simple strategies to fortify your relationship, don’t miss Dr. Amen and Tana’s two-part series on relationships on the Change Your Brain Every Day podcast, available wherever you get your favorite podcasts.
