Can Ostracism Cause Lingering Pain in Your Brain?

ostracism

It’s often been noted that rejection is among the most painful of human emotions. Anyone who has felt the sting of rejection, ostracism or shunning knows how deeply these experiences sting.

According to a Purdue University expert, ostracism can cause pain that often is deeper and lasts longer than a physical injury.

“Being excluded or ostracized is an invisible form of bullying that doesn’t leave bruises, and therefore we often underestimate its impact,” said Kipling D. Williams, a professor of psychological sciences. “Being excluded by high school friends, office colleagues, or even spouses or family members can be excruciating.”

“When a person is ostracized, the brain’s dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, which registers physical pain, also feels this social injury,” Williams said.

The process of ostracism includes three stages:

1. The initial acts of being ignored or excluded
2. Coping
3. Resignation

Fundamental and foundational for our human needs are the feelings of belonging. Exclusion or ostracism is so painful because it threatens this need and the core of our self-esteem. “Again and again research has found that strong, harmful reactions are possible even when ostracized by a stranger or for a short amount of time,” said Williams.

More than 5,000 people have participated in studies using a computer game designed by Williams to show how just two or three minutes of ostracism can produce lingering negative feelings.

Even when being ignored briefly by strangers, with whom the individual will never have any face-to-face interaction, the negative effect is powerful and consistent. This was true even with a great variety of personalities.

People also vary in how they cope during the second stage of ostracism. Coping can mean the person tries to harder be included. For example, they may try to engage in behaviors that might foster acceptance: mimicking, complying, obeying orders, cooperating or expressing attraction.

If this tactic doesn’t work, and hope for inclusion is lost, people stop worrying about being liked and decide they just want to be noticed. In this stage, they may resort to provocative behavior and even aggression.

However, if a person has been ostracized for a long time, people can’t continue to cope with the pain and often eventually give up. This is the third stage, called resignation.

The third stage is called resignation. In some people who have been ostracized, they become less helpful and more aggressive to others in general. They also may feel an increase in anger and sadness. “Long-term ostracism can result in alienation, depression, helplessness, and feelings of unworthiness.”

Sometimes “extreme groups” (gangs and the like) can provide members with a sense of belonging, self-worth, and control, but they can also fuel narrowness, radicalism and intolerance, and perhaps a propensity toward hostility and violence toward others.

When a person feels ostracized they feel out of control, and aggressive behavior is one way to restore that control.

Here are some tips if you have experienced ostracism:

  • Seek a safe, supportive therapist, counselor or wise friend who can help you traverse the pain. Seek out healthy individuals who are accepting, healthy and supportive. We also need to be aware (and teach our kids) that ostracism hurts people as deeply, if not more so, than a physical wound.
  • Sometimes, ostracism happens unintentionally and for no reason, in this case. When you are feeling composed and confident it’s important to stand up for yourself and remind the other person that you are also important.
  • Being lighthearted and finding humor in these situations may pay off. By understanding that nothing catastrophic happened by someone else ignoring and excluding you can help improve your mood.

At the Amen Clinics, we have compassionate therapists who may be able to help you find peace, self-esteem, and acceptance after a painful ostracizing, shunning or other experience of being excluded. We may also be able to suggest exercises, supplements, and if needed, medication to help. No doubt such experiences hurt. But remember, there is always help. Call us today at 888-288-9834 to get started, or tell us more.

45 Comments »

  1. Interesting post. Does the author include romantic rejection or the breaking up of a long term relationship to be a form of ostracism? Please comment.

    Comment by Bruce Trueman — September 25, 2017 @ 7:45 AM

  2. Does this include the rejection experienced by people who work in sales? It’s a double whammy when rejection also means no income.

    Comment by Blue Lilac — September 25, 2017 @ 8:54 AM

  3. My personal opinion would be Yes. The brain isn’t selective about the cause, just the fact that there IS. And if the experiment was with strangers, wouldn’t it stand to reason to be even MORE damaging with people you know and who may have accepted you previously. This is certainly a form of child abuse I would conclude. This is also why prisons are effectively inhumane. Isolation from human interaction. Not that I am advocating no prisons. Just the consequences on the human psyche.

    Comment by shelia in TX — September 26, 2017 @ 5:12 PM

  4. Probably and especially if you can’t separate the rejection of the product from a personal rejection. Which we all know , people buy primarily from people they like. In other words, if they like the salesperson, they are more likely to buy the product. So yes, there is some level of personal exclusion in my mind.

    Comment by shelia in TX — September 26, 2017 @ 5:14 PM

  5. I’ve been definitely and without explanation, been deliberately ostracised by my ENTIRE FAMILY!
    The LIES TOLD TO INNOCENT CHILDREN who loved their Auntie ( and devastating of all, their Nanny!)
    7 YEARS of being excluded in EVERY,
    SINGLE OCCASION where they’ll gather like Christmas, Birthdays and Weddings!
    I myself dread Days such as Christmas, Mothers and Especially my birthdays as even when my 50th hit, I’d been hoping against all logic that MAYBE…… but of course it came and went without receiving a card, phone call….nothing!

    I’m going in to my 8th year and must inform the writer that there’s been three ocadssions in Rehab when I’d badly broken my leg- I was admitted with the agony of admiring, ‘no NOK’ I was looked at like some specimens, ‘you HAVE to have somebody……anybody you’re related to??’
    When do hurt I replied, ‘Is that in case I die in your care and you’re stuck with a Stiff?
    Thank you and such a ‘appreciative’ was that you’ve thanked me for donating my body to science!!I then in form them that that’s EXACTLY where I’m going! There’s NO ONE who’d go to my funeral let alone claim my body! If I’m murdered or go missing, NOONE WOULD NOTICE PERIOD !

    I’ve had 4 ‘major cries’ over the burning question of WHY and actually ‘shocked’ a Neauro Psycologist over the EXTENT, DURATION AND BY JUST HOW MANY ARE IN THIS ‘ORGANIZATION OF CRUEL AND SPITEFUL BULLIES ‘!!
    A nurse turned up incidentally to just take my observations and as I had been crying quite hard, my blood pressure was extremely high and I was in risk of having an aneurysm or stroke. I casually told them to all calm down because that was how I always felt after having a cry about this! Nevertheless, I was treated as a high risk patient for stroke aneurysm !
    ( I wish) so I suppose I do support your theory re ‘depths of pain’ as I promise you, I wouldn’t wish this on ANYBODY! It strips you of your self esteem, you can’t make old memories so stay ‘stuck in the past of your last memory’ but they’ve ALL MOVED ON, Children grown and you haven’t crossed their nasty, spiteful and hatred mind not even ONCE!!

    I’ve read A LOT of your work and studies. Please would you consider replying?

    Comment by MissSassyPant66 — April 29, 2018 @ 11:19 PM

  6. Hello, thank you for reaching out and sharing with us. We will have a Care Coordinator reach out to you to discuss the specifics that you’ve mentioned.

    Comment by Amen Clinics — April 30, 2018 @ 8:52 AM

  7. I used to have a lot of friends from my kids’ elementary school. There was a whole group of moms that would go out, I was always included. About two years ago I suddenly stopped being invited. My older son is now in middle school and he has plenty of friends from his old school and new friends from the middle school. I’ve noticed that my younger son doesn’t get invited on playdates anymore or birthday parties. My husband and I have no idea why we have been ostracized. The part that hurts most for me is that I feel like these women just threw my friendship away, like I didn’t matter and never did. It also breaks my heart that my son doesn’t get invited anywhere, he only hangs out with other kids when he’s at practice for sports or knocks on a neighbor’s door. I know I need to find strength somewhere else b/c I feel myself falling into depression which makes me a terrible parent and role model. Any advise would be appreciated.

    Comment by Sad — August 18, 2018 @ 12:58 AM

  8. Having had a strict upbringing and made to feel inferior, I keep myself to myself. Most of my life has been spent living quietly, not going out much or if so, keeping to a corner of the room. Now nearing 64, I have resigned myself to the fact I will be without friends but to be honest, I prefer it that way. People let you down and I have had some nasty comments made about me from neighbours and strangers passing by me in the street. At least I can return home and punch my pillow where nobody can see or hear me; plus I receive unconditional love from my cat, so all is not lost.

    Comment by Rufonious — September 13, 2018 @ 10:44 AM

  9. I can’t tell you how relevant and specific this is for me and my situation at work.
    I have been so harsh and critical of myself thinking “I should be able to handle this better” and realize that all of my feelings and needs are completely valid and my colleagues/bosses will not understand b/c they’re not ostracized.
    Thank you for bringing light to the darkness.

    Comment by Jennifer — December 14, 2018 @ 11:53 AM

  10. I was estranged from my whole family but my son. Both parents, divorced and my daughter. It’s horrific and bleeds into relationships when I’m not included. Fight with my dude this weekend. Cancer diagnosis hasn’t changed…still not invited to anything, never called, random texts, I just wanna be apart of. Thanks for this article. It definitely is relevant and I appreciate knowing there’s stages.

    Comment by Mookie — December 17, 2018 @ 5:33 AM

  11. I’ve been going through this for years. They know about this in the office and I’ve been trying hard not to be affected. I don’t expect people to like me — no one can please everyone. But in my case, it’s like as a group, they have the “We can’t be bothered by your feelings of worthlessness” attitude. They’re not bad people. It’s just they don’t want to be bothered with including me in their group anymore. It’s like one big school with the popular ones excluding the least favorites from activities and such. I’ve accepted that a long time ago even if it hurts. But when EVERYONE except you is invited or given consideration, when even those they don’t always interact with are invited and not you, when they do that to your face and not care how you take it…IT EFFIN’ HURTS. You just want to cry. But you don’t want to do that in front of them ’cause they’ll think you’re being a drama queen again, being unreasonable again. I have acknowledged to myself that I have a problem, but how I wish they stop causing more pain and just be sensitive enough. I don’t really mind not going to or joining activities. But it won’t hurt to ask me, right?

    I EFFIN’ want to stop this tendency to be depressed. I wish I were as cool as other people. Obviously, I’m not or I wouldn;t have this problem.

    Comment by J — January 21, 2019 @ 2:40 AM

  12. I’ve been ostracised by my entire family going on eight years now but the thing is, I reached out to my dad who doesn’t understand the long-lasting pain that this disastrous thing has caused. I am a ghost, I have no legacy and no one can even notice if I go missing. My dad keeps telling me to move and just won’t recognise what damages it’s done!
    He gets to see everybody I don’t. I wish I could find something on the Internet to do with people not understanding is just how emotionally! and physically devastating ostracism can be so I can send it to him instead of him always telling me to forget about it and move on i’m absolutely heartbroken then he can recognise that my pain is real

    Comment by Cheryl-an Peters-Richards — March 13, 2019 @ 3:23 AM

  13. Dear Cheryl, I understand your pain honey.

    Please believe in yourself & that you dont deserve to be treated like that.

    Your family have failed you & the shame belongs to them.

    My father, who i thought loved me …has chosen to side with my family & i have been shut out. My mother has painted me black to all of them…she is narcissistic & tells lots of lies. I have reached the point that i cannot change them, nor their faulty perceptions of me.

    I have faced the pain & decided my life is better without that behaviour from them.

    Stay strong & find your true self, its a new life for us now. maybe not what i would have chosen…

    Give yourself unconditional love & let them go….they dont deserve you…

    Hope this helps

    Sent with love xx Leslie

    You are not alone

    Comment by Leslie — March 16, 2019 @ 6:40 AM

  14. I was ostracized as a child…..now I’m anti social, it’s too late for me, but not for others to find friends and acceptance

    Comment by Bizarre Boy — March 29, 2019 @ 1:38 AM

  15. I am in the same boat! I have no hope and I don’t know of one single place to reach out for help! I am autistic and I want to die!
    Can you plz at least point me in the direction of somewhere to go for help???

    Comment by Debbie M — April 22, 2019 @ 9:50 AM

  16. Hello Debbie, thank you for reaching out. We’d be happy to contact you directly via email to discuss options with you.

    Comment by Amen Clinics — April 22, 2019 @ 10:43 AM

  17. Dear Cheryl -an,
    When I read your post it described me completely, i understand exactly how you feel. Hurt, worthless….I have been ostracised by all 4 of my adult siblings and the pain is unbearable. Like your father my father thinks I should just move on – he sees them I don’t.
    The world thinks we’re the perfect family if only they knew what a cruel, narcissistic bunch of morons I’m related to.

    Comment by Bell — May 12, 2019 @ 2:26 PM

  18. This. Isn’t the 1st for me and in late 2015 I went no contact with my 6 older siblings. Fast forward four months the “Golden Child” showed up the morning of my Husbands surgery to my surprise. To be a support of course , I ddI say to her she was like MRSA and didn’t go away to which she laughed. But . within the setting I didn’t want to even address it. However, what was to be non problematic surgery turned into a shocking 10 days life support. I was making decisions left and right as Power of Attorney and he miraculously came to. Still on a ventilator but rather miraculous.
    The following day he was scheduled to go to a rehab to get off the vent , however I was in a room watching open chest resuscitation for 30 minutes and I was left traumatized, My other siblings showed at the funeral but it was for face value and after my no contact it was they who came and silently shunned me while I stood there and nobody knew. I lost 120 lbs in 3 months and with my children every thing I built was sabotaged and my sister has my kids and documents are illegal and school officials, social workers have dismissed me from my children as have they. I am silently stalked and am in therapy but feel it’s a waste of Time. in February I uncovered the illegal school affidavit and that led to danger. My daughter posted a fb tribute to me that we don’t talk and how she loves me but that is different from the text I have. I go to the store and I am called a whore. dr.s ,therapist don’t seem to care , I can’t time them but I am putting paper work in a safe deposit box so that there is a paper trail. Mostly ,the fact that nobody even gives me a thought and were at the funeral. I had 150 at my wedding. I seemed to have vanished. I am mostly hurt by my children who are strangers and raised better than that. I have made 300 calls in the alt year and I can’t help myself regardless. Superintendent of a school, children youth workers , etc don’t even care to see my face and I have been dismissed fraudulently which I can’t get close ? Even my HIPPA laws violated and my Doctor isn’t concerned. So why should I ?

    Comment by malificent — May 16, 2019 @ 3:46 AM

  19. This shines light on why I contiinue to experience deep pain, as the family scapegoat. Helps to know it is unintentional, they too are coping with our family dysfunction. I experience much satisfaction and belonging socially and professionally. I have successfully distanced myself from my family but am reminded on holidays and birthdays. Realizing the shame I carry and at the same time understanding why I am such a fan of the under dog and work in the field I do It is somewhat lke a physical disability in that I can’t get rid of it and coping with the consequences at times is big work and will be a life long challenge. I have unsuccessfully worked on these relationships and moving forward will no longer allow myself to feel guilt for not. I will take that effort and apply to learning to love myself. I am beautiful and important! and so are all of you.

    Comment by Budeez — July 7, 2019 @ 4:14 AM

  20. I am impressed by the thoughtfulness and sincerity of the comments here.

    Ostracism becomes a heaviness carried about . . it lingers. And yet, somehow, we maintain the morning routine and find joy in the intimate, simple necessity of daily living ..

    I appreciate the thought of the heightened sensitivity to others who are left behind. Somehow, it seems to lend purpose to the carrying of this burden in my heart.

    Comment by Lisa — September 16, 2019 @ 5:58 AM

  21. I have been ostracized since childhood starting from my mother, down to friends, college, ex husband, my entire family EXCEPT FOR ONE AUNT. Now I have no self esteem, self worth, and I feel like a speck of sand in a overcrowded city. I am unemployed and isolated. This has been going on for 54 years. I feel like a wasted space on this earth. I do not reach out to anybody anymore because it is pointless. People I know only want to text and not hang out or hang out only where there is alcohol involved. I am lost. I have a husband who listens if tolerated. I hate it when I wake up in the mornings because I have a whole day ahead of me and it sucks. I have had “so called friends” that turned their back on me because of my depression and one even spread deep personal information about me regarding a health issue I have. She even twisted the story around that is totally false. Sad thing, she is a nurse yet she spread everything about me to the city. Life sucks

    Comment by donna isbell — October 6, 2019 @ 1:11 PM

  22. I am in a similar situation to you and understand how debilitating it is. I have a lovely counselor who believes I have a lot to offer the world as does my partner so I hang on to them. I still feel chronically alienated from the world around me and fear that this is my lot. Just wanted you to know that you’re not alone in feeling like this xox

    Comment by Jo — October 8, 2019 @ 1:57 PM

  23. You don’t need the approval of anyone for your life. Try not spend any more time replaying the hurt. You will be as confident as you tell yourself. You know you are a good person so why allow other people’s small mindedness to rob you of a happy life. You are the only person who can decide your worth. You don’t need to please others. Love yourself. Maybe decide when you wake up tomorrow that no more time will be spent reviewing the hurts. There are wonderful people around just waiting to be your friend. Work out how you can meet them. Little by little you can get some joy in your life. XX All the best

    Comment by Coral — October 13, 2019 @ 6:10 PM

  24. We are empathetic, those of us who have been marginalized. We can’t wrap our heads around being delibritely cruel for sport, pretty much. Holidays are really tough and I get off of FB during the season as to not add insult to injury by looking at all of the happy (supposedly happy) families out there. My ostracism started when I was a toddler and witnessed abuse. I was to be silenced at all costs. My mother told everyone about my over active imagination and that I was prone to fibbing. She set me up.. and I have managed to keep going despite her. My advice is to be a shining example of strength. They can’t kill our spirit, although they try. I honestly believe my family would be pleased if I died so they could be comforted and receive casseroles, etc. I plan to live as long as I can just to be a constant reminder of their sh#% show they call a family!

    Comment by KD Welles — December 31, 2019 @ 9:58 AM

  25. I’ve never fit in anywhere. I wonder if I’m on the autism spectrum or have non verbal learning disorder. Everyone has always said of me (or even told me) that I’m just too weird yet they don’t explain WHAT is weird I do or say when I ask except for 1 thing years ago & it’s that I divulge too much information about myself. So I consciously avoid that since but still I have no friends or boyfriend. I don’t have any addictions, don’t have face piercings or tattoos that might put ppl off, don’t dress weird or have weird hair. Don’t have weird hobbies, no scandal in my past, no criminal record. So the problem is how I act but idk what! Sometimes when I speak (if I’m really nervous) I blush, stutter& have a hard time making eye contact. I can’t help the first two but I work on eye contact all the time with hit & miss success depending who I’m talking to. I’m often at a loss for words what to say. I know my body language must be a problem but I dk what exactly so I can work on it. I also think I probably say the WRONG things but again idk what I’m saying wrong or not saying which I should. My neighbors all avoid me, won’t even say a hi or wave back. Some even give me dirty cold looks when I greet or if I try to say something friendly (like when one is out with their dog, I’ll say something about the weather to come/are having, or “such a cute dog, what kind is he? Or even pretend Idk something & ask “is this the week for recycling pick up?” Because it picks up every other week. Nothing I try to say chatty wise gets a reaponse. Depending on the neighbor I’ll get totally ignored like I don’t exist & they didn’t hear me or they’ll acknowledge me with a wilting look & then ignore my comment or question. It’s very hard to deal with this every. single. day. Family has nothing to do with me either. Not for anything I’ve done. No falling out or anything either. I am left out of everything news wise or gatherings wise. The few who had me on their fb have unfriended me since the last election because I post political things they don’t like. They’re very conservative. I’m embarrassed that I’m childless & single. I’ve been asked by several people in my history if I’m gay. Which I’m not so that makes me feel even more like a freak because I wonder if others assume so too. It sucks being a weird spinster. I’m also the “weird one” wherever I work. I try hard to be pleasant & compliment but the range of treatment is bad. From total ostracism to outright cruelty. Still I keep acting like things they’ve done didn’t happen & like today is a new clean slate. It’s impossible to work on myself when I don’t know what to work on but I know the problem is me.

    Comment by Lone wolf in life — January 17, 2020 @ 10:19 AM

  26. Hey, I feel similar. I went through a really rough time and went really awkward socially, do you have those silver tooth fillings? Because that was the cause of my social anxiety, they are 50% mercury. If you ever want to chat you are welcome.

    Comment by Joe — January 30, 2020 @ 12:39 PM

  27. I was the scapegoat, my mother convinced everyone I was bad. Completely evil. Maybe you had something similar? Comes from having narcissistic parent(s)

    Comment by Joe — January 30, 2020 @ 12:41 PM

  28. Hey, I’m the scapegoat too. Remember we are the empathic truth tellers. Sending you lovely vibes

    Comment by Joe — January 30, 2020 @ 12:42 PM

  29. Yes we are too real for the world. A part of a new energy birthing on the planet

    Comment by Joe — January 30, 2020 @ 12:42 PM

  30. My mother scapegoated me too, convinced the world I was bad. To take the heat off of her

    Comment by Joe — January 30, 2020 @ 12:43 PM

  31. I have been contending with being ignored, ostracized, and mobbed for 3 years within my place of employment. A professional environment. A mental health care facility. Mobbed by colleagues who are professionals serving clients with mental health issues. The effort has been led by one colleague, and followed by several others. I am broken. Finding another job is not as easy as it sounds.

    Comment by M — February 2, 2020 @ 4:23 AM

  32. What I have noticed is that this mob behavior spreads like a cancer. It’s bled from the origin – my family into the second and third community I have lived in. I actually had lunch with a friend and i told her of this growiing “problem” and the pain it caused. this is a friend I have gone through the fire with. She asked “well, what do you do to make that happen?” she seemed equally mystified and felt my pain. then SHE vanished too not before she overtly compared me to Tonja Harding! That is one I’ve meditated on. It seems a requirement that we go inside. No wonder. I have been a successful professional, charismatic of a sort. It seemed that everything I did got the mob’s approval. But that slowly eroded away.
    I recently lost my mentor and best friend who stuck with me through decades of trials that both of us endured. just in the last few months but as he saw the mob grow became wary, then critical, then abusive, so I had to end a friendship that I valued most.

    I know that I’ve done nothing to lose these people. I paid careful attention to how I interacted with them. these are people I grew up with, who I joked with, who I grieved with. I did not lose respect for them but I was aware of the process. I won’t take responsibility for their cowardice. they listened to the mob. but it begs the question: why?

    Comment by Jim — February 2, 2020 @ 6:14 PM

  33. I’ve been scapegoated by my mentally ill, drug addicted wife. She used her job and the status weight it carries to make me out to be the bad guy. As a result I haven’t seen, spoken to, or had any communication with my 3 children in 5 long years now. I went from being a fully involved Dad to being ostracized literally overnight. It is as if my children have died and I never got to go to the funeral. There is no closure to be had. Believe me I’ve tried. I’m resilient, persistent, patient, understanding and forgiving and I can’t seem to get thru to them. I don’t like to dwell on negativity or awkward situations. In every other aspect of my life I face those adversities head on and find resolve post haste so as not to drag down my natural character. It has served me well my entire life. It has not worked in this situation and the past 5 years have been a literal hell. My hair has gone completely white in 5 years. My confident, light-hearted, creative nature has left me completely and I am filled with resentment, anger, insecurities, anxiety, rage, aggression, frustration and bewilderment that my children could just forget me from one day to the next and never look back. I want to kill them all. I don’t want to kill them all but my BRAIN SPEAKS TO ME ALL DAY LONG. IT YELLS IN MY EAR…KILL THEM ALL. I LOVE MY KIDS. IM A GOOD FATHER. IVE NEVER EVEN HAD A HARSH WORD FOR MY CHILDREN LET ALONE RAISED A HAND TO THEM IN ANGER. IM THE CALM ONE WHO RESERVES JUDGEMENT UNTIL IVE HAD TIME TO CONSIDER ALL PERSPECTIVES AND CONSIDERED EVERYONE INVOLVED. NO ONE HAS DONE THIS FOR ME. I AM IN ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES ORDERED BY THE COURT FOR A CRIME I DID NOT COMMIT. IM NOT IN DENIAL. IM NOT DELUSIONAL. IM NOT MINIMIZING. MY WIFE IS A MONSTER AND SHE WOULD DO ANYTHING TO PREVENT HER EXPOSURE. INCLUDING MAKING FALSE ACCUSATIONS, ALLOWING ME TO BE CONVICTED OF A FELONY AND DEPRIVING HER OWN KIDS OF A GOOD AND LOVING FATHER. I KNOW THE PSYCHOLOGY OF IT. I KNOW SHE HAS MADE THEM COMPLICIT IN HER ATROCITIES WHICH HAS ALIENATED THEM FROM ME AND ME FROM THEM…BUT I CAN’T MOVE ON FROM IT. I KNOW ITS NOT THEIR FAULT. I KNOW THEY ARE VICTIMS TOO. I KNOW THEY ARE BEING NEGLECTED AND ABUSED AND ARE BEING INFECTED WITH MENTAL ILLNESS. BUT I STILL RESENT THEM FOR REJECTING ME SO COMPLETELY. I DON’T WANT TO. I NEED RESOLVE. MY THERAPIST THINKS I SHOULD MOVE ON. FOCUS ON ME. PERSONAL GROWTH. I AM A FUCKING FATHER. I IDENTIFY AS A FATHER. I NEED TO BE A FATHER TO THE END BECAUSE I COMMITTED TO BEING A FATHER AND I SEE THINGS THRU. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO JUST PRETEND THEY DONT EXIST WHILE I KNOW THEY ARE BEING HARMED. THEIR BRAINS ARE LITERALLY BEING REWIRED AND DAMAGED BY THIS. ALL THEIR POTENTIAL BEING STRIPPED AWAY. NO ONE CARES. NOT THE COURT. NOT MY THERAPIST. NOT MY WIFE. NOT MY KIDS THEMSELVES. I CAN’T QUIT THEM. I CAN’T FORGET THEM AND WALK AWAY. I NEED TO FORGIVE THEM AND HELP THEM. BUT IT IS NOT AN OPTION APPARENTLY. MY LIFE HAS BEEN ON HOLD AND SPIRALLING DOWN FOR 5 YEARS NOW. MY MENTAL AND PHYSICAL HEALTH ON THE DECLINE. IT SEEMS TO HAVE SPREAD TO MY OTHER RELATIONSHIPS. MAYBE BECAUSE ITS ALWAYS ON MY MIND AND IN MY HEART. I SEEM TO BE POISONING THE WELL OF MY ENTIRE NETWORK… WHICH IS SUBSTANTIAL. WAS. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I FILL MY DAY WITH HEAVY TASKS AND I EXERCISE UNTIL I’M READY TO COLLAPSE AND STILL ONLY MANAGE A FEW HOURS OF SLEEP. I STILL WAKE UP PUNCHING THE WALL AND CALLING MY YOUNGEST DAUGHTERS NAME. SHE IS THE MOST LIKE ME. A STRONG EMPATH WITH A HI IQ AND A BRIGHT MIND.. AND A LEFTY. LIKE ME. SHE NEEDS ME. SHE SUFFERS WITHOUT ME. I KNOW IT. I CAN’T EVEN SPEAK TO HER. THERE IS NO JUSTICE IN THE JUSTICE SYSTEM. I TOLD THE TRUTH ABOUT EVERYTHING WHILE MY WIFE TOLD ONE LIE AND SHE WON EVERYTHING. I LOST EVERYTHING. I WAS PUNISHED AS BEING UNREPENTANT FOR BEING HONEST BY A PROBATION OFFICER WITH JUST ENOUGH EDUCATION TO BE DANGEROUS TO SOMEONE LIKE ME AND IN MY SITUATION. AND SHE RUINED MY LIFE AND THE LIVES OF MY 3 CHILDREN. SHE DIDN’T EVEN INVESTIGATE THE THINGS I TOLD HER ABOUT MY WIFE. SHE JUST LOOKED AT ME AS THE WIFE BEATER I WAS FALSELY ACCUSED OF BEING. AN UNREPENTANT AND MINIMIZING WIFE BEATER. THATS ME. BUT ITS NOT. THEY’VE TAKEN MY HONOR AND MY KIDS. MY OLDEST SON COULD HAVE EXPOSED HER LIES BY TELLING THE TRUTH. HE LET ME HANG. HE WAS MY BOY. I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW HE COULD DO THAT TO THE MAN WHO TAUGHT HIM EVERYTHING. TOOK HIM EVERYWHERE. HE WAS MY SHADOW. I FEEL LIKE SHE HAS CORRUPTED HIM AND BLACKMAILED HIM WITH SOMETHING TERRIBLE. EXPOSED HIM TO DRUGS OR EVEN SOME SEXUAL RELATIONS. SHE IS THAT SICK. BUT IM THE GUILTY PARTY. AND SHE IS SCOT FREE. SHE IS THE WORST PARENT. SHE WON’T END THIS. SHE WILL HIDE HER SECRET FOREVER AND IGNORE HOW HER KIDS WILL PAY THE CONSEQUENCES FOR HER TERRIBLE JUDGEMENT. IT’S A TRAGEDY. MY SON WILL LIKELY BECOME AN ANGRY, VIOLENT MAN WHO WILL HURT MANY PEOPLE AS A DIRECT RESULT OF THIS. HE HAD SO MUCH POTENTIAL IT BREAKS MY HEART SO MUCH.

    Comment by James Greene — February 21, 2020 @ 3:28 AM

  34. I have.been ostracized by my whole hometown, Church I grew up in and used to be so loved. That’s why after 3 years of bullying (At age 59), all of this started after I had 8 surgeries. The count now is Appx. 6000 people that have heard something I did to one of their beloved Church going men. He said something so mean to me at a grocery store and remembering that he date raped me at 21 and never apologized.. I said to him.. The next time his Church frat weren’t around. I said. Do not ever embarrass me again. And that His old boss didn’t want to work with him. Well guess what? He passed away .. I guess the same night. That is when I got kicked out of 2 Bible Studies, got no invitation to 45th reunion and have asked 25 people “what did I do?” ” why is his wife making me the murderer of him? He had an aneurysm. He had humiliated me in public . All of the 400 people at my wedding, all of my Mom’s friends even hate me. I can’t tell you how being ostracized and gaslighted.. Bullied has led to 3 years of wailing tears every am. My psychiatrist is nice but I want to quit life. I am so so lonely and everyone has labeled me a bitch. I was so happy before the surgeries. The pain medicine .. Made me uptight. I cry over a dog or cat that is abused. All that keeps me going is my Angel spouse. But mainly my poodle. My family won’t help. I love all of you btw.

    Comment by Katie — April 30, 2020 @ 2:58 AM

  35. Its not hard to be civil. When you are down people stay away from you. Maybe its an evolutionary survival technique. Its like zebra finches or chickens. if one is sick the others will peck it to death to save the herd.

    its very depressing not having anyone to talk to.

    Comment by You guys. I just want to say you are not alone. Its a rough world we live in and people are default mean. I don't find this time in the world to be a friendly place at all. It really sucks how unfriendly people are. — April 30, 2020 @ 4:25 AM

  36. Hang in there Donna, I know you’re speaking the truth, as it has happened to me. Alcohol will only make things worse, as it ultimately brings people down. Again you are not alone, God bless you.

    Comment by Terry — May 25, 2020 @ 9:59 AM

  37. Same here. I am 20 years younger. If you could give yourself advice 20 years ago what would it be? I don’t want to suffer anymore. And it’s hard to find people that have been through stuff like this. But I don’t want to be miserable. I know you don’t either- maybe this could help both of us…

    Comment by DeterminedtoHeal — June 6, 2020 @ 5:26 AM

  38. I agree it is because we are emapthic. I studied this problem because of my situation. The only logical explanation I found was this. We all have auras. Some are good, some are bad. I believe we who are ostracized carry good auras. When we are in the presence of bad auras the two fight it out. Neither person is aware of the battle. It sounds crazy I know. But I even read one article where a woman who had been ostracized by her family for years asked her sister why. The sister said she honestly didn’t know why. Almost like a trance. After that meeting the sister no longer treated her mean.

    I feel for you all. The pain is indescribable. Yet I am sure it has purpose. It is my understanding that we come to earth to learn lessons that teach us compassion. The more suffering the more we learn. So in a way we can look at this as a blessing so our souls can elevate our vibrations and we can ascend into peace and love. So don’t let them make you vicious. Stay good to yourself and be compassionate to each other if not those who hurt us. don’t let them ruin your life.

    Comment by Laura — June 29, 2020 @ 9:26 PM

  39. Has anyone give it a thought that your not alone?

    Jesus was ostracized and yet became a KING.

    We are far worth mor than rubies to Him.

    So remember, “Jesus loves you. “

    Comment by Nancy Ginger DeLaRosa — August 14, 2020 @ 12:40 PM

  40. I have experienced a strange and pervasive lifetime of rejection/shunning that is so profound I can’t re-cooperate. I know that I have several factors against me: I am liberal, Jewish, Intersex, Nonbinary, and perceived to be “a lesbian” by the community at large. I’m also 51 years old, and it is harder to date and marry at this age. It is a Southern, Christian, and conservative community (near Charlottesville, VA, and many community members participated in the riots and/or sympathized with the alt-right, etc.) Additionally, I came from an old, prominent Southern family name, and there are churches, etc. named after my family. I am the sole heir to my parents’ estate, and I inherited 56 acres of land and a house. However, I am “cash poor.” The rest of my community and my other family members have excluded me all of my life mostly because they would like to have my land and other personal property. I am not welcome for holidays and family events, and I have been informed that I am no longer welcome on their property adjoining mine. They have used their political influence to keep me out of high-paying jobs, and have always come to try to buy cars, farm equipment, my house, and anything else that they could at a discount when I hit hard times (which is frequently). So far, I have never capitulated, and this has angered them, and made them ratchet up the pressure even more. Almost all of them have less education and fewer credentials, but much better paying jobs than I have. They work together, and use their wealth and connections against me to their advantage. They have exploited the fact that I am “a lesbian” (AFAB, but I have recently found out that I’m medically intersex, and always have been. Psychologically, I could be termed “nonbinary” although I’m not really transitioning. My appearance is naturally androgynous, and mentally I think that way as well due to my medical condition). There has been enough friction and controversy (along with financial woes) that I have never been able to find a girlfriend or wife. The church my parents attended is named after my family, but the congregation hated us so much that one of the preachers stated when my father was trying to get a burial plot that he should be “buried in the Wal-Mart parking lot.” After my mother died, they literally wanted to dig her up from her grave (went so far as to survey the grave, and put surveyor’s stubs in it), and I had to threaten lawsuits and physical violence to make them keep her in the ground, and remove the desecration. I have a grave stone next to theirs. However, I am sure that I am unlikely to ever be buried there. This is because I have talked to family members, and none of them will claim my body when I die. I have life insurance, and funds to cover the burial, but no one wants to help me. It has been so toxic, that I have converted to Messianic Judaism, but watch reform services online regularly due to a lack of Jewish resources in my community. My experience with Christianity has been so negative that I do not feel welcome among them, and I now avoid their services, etc. Quite frankly, from time-to-time I actually find myself hating them. I pray to the Lord to forgive me, and I try to trust in Yeshua/Jesus, but it is very, very hard.

    In high school, I discovered that I was “lesbian,” and I was promptly rejected by everyone. I had no friends. I went to a southern women’s college later in a nearby city, and I was rejected just as strongly (if not worse there). I decided to do graduate and post-graduate studies online, and that has worked out well for me. I’m successful on my current job (employed 8 years, and up for promotion), but it is very low paid for a professional job. I have trouble paying for food, utilities, and insurance each month. I have no debts, but I have to live in poverty in order to save much money at all. This also makes it hard for me to find a girlfriend as well. I held another job earlier in Lynchburg, VA for 14 years (It was a low paid professional job as well with poor benefits). I commuted over 110 miles per day commuting back and forth to work (spent 3 1/2) hours on the road every day. I worked under the supervision of the Christian religious right there, and had to totally suppress my thoughts and feelings along with lying constantly about my true identity just to hold my job. Finally, the religious zealotry got to be too much, and I had to quit due to over discrimination from my new boss. He mistakenly thought I was Roman Catholic, and sent me an Anti-Catholic book as a going away present. It had a page describing burning Catholics and the pope as a “joke”! I went to various organizations for assistance including Southern Poverty Law, Rutherford Foundation, VEA, and NEA. All of them told me that there was nothing that they could do. The Virginia Education Association (teacher’s union/association) told me that there was nothing that they could do, and if the discrimination, abuse, and low pay were so bad “why didn’t you just quit sooner….”

    This has been my life! I wish I had had someone to love and share it with. It would have been nice to have had someone else to leave my property to besides the vultures who have been circling me for years just waiting for an opportunity to swoop down and take it as soon as I stop breathing. It would have been nice to have finally found eternal rest besides the only people in life who did love me: my parents.

    I have not given up. I will keep trying, but I don’t know if anything is going to change. I’m getting older with every passing day.

    Comment by Merche — January 12, 2022 @ 11:59 AM

  41. I too am suffering and I just have an overwhelming sense of worthlessness and loneliness everyday. It’s getting harder to live with.

    I had an argument with my husband where he said some pretty nasty things which most people have told me I should have left him for. That he wished he had never married me, that he would use sex as a bargaining tool for whether we would have children, that he was just going to have to be miserable for the rest of his life.

    After it was said I shut down and I was angry and upset. He ignored me for 3 days and then just said he had been talking to his mother about me. I shouted at him and stormed out of the house in anger and upset. It’s transpires that he then immediately called his mom up. Never said anything about what he had ever done just scapegoated me and used my behavior to make himself a victim. As a result his mother branded me a liar and abuser and then started a smear campaign with the rest of the family. They all immediately cut all contact with me.

    The initial fight was surrounding our sex life and I had been struggling for a while emotionally because I moved from the U.K. to the US and was dealing with losses of friends and family members as well as not seeing anyone for almost 3 years due to travel restrictions from the pandemic.

    I already felt lonely and now because his mother decided she had a right to get involved and judge me on a biased story because he was too embarrassed to ever say what he had said but happy to use my reaction like a stand alone event.

    Given my situation they were my family here and I thought we were close and they were there for me but no one ever even spoke to me they just cut all ties. Everything.

    I don’t think I can go on like this.

    Comment by Amy — February 7, 2022 @ 4:54 AM

  42. Hello Amy, thank you for reaching out. Don’t give up hope. Amen Clinics currently has 9 locations: https://amenclinics.com/locations/. We also are offering Telehealth and Video Therapy options. For more information about Telehealth: https://amenclinics.com/services/telehealth-and-video-therapy/. For more information about scheduling, please contact our Care Coordinators: https://amenclinics.com/schedule-visit/.

    Comment by Amen Clinics — February 9, 2022 @ 11:18 AM

  43. After being Molested as a child, it mentally set me back growing up and even now as an adult – often being classified as weird! Talked about, ostracized, left out, and shamed.. Yes, i talk a lot to hide my hurt and pain.. and it brings more attention to me.. and like the article said, the more that the shame overtook me, the more they hurt me.. the more that i would try to be loved, appreciated, liked.. and then more shunned.. what a horrible catch 22 – especially as there was an almost successful suicide attempt 20+ years ago..

    today, I often go out of my way to help people.. to a detriment.. and my weakness allows others to take advantage abuse and unfortunately, even put myself in harms way with others..

    It also doesn't help that I am a woman of Color, Today, as I continue to face ostracization in the workplace.. for trying too hard – so now I am isolating. I want so much to feel as though I belong.. to be part of.. but seeing the exclusion in front of me.. it really is difficult.. and now i wonder what Is my next step

    I don't want to be in the workplace, as I don't know how to be "normal" — no matter how hard I try.. and staying at home alone won't pay the bills or get me healthy.. and puts me back in the place of being hurt..

    it sucks.. this pain it sucks.. it hurts so bad!! and I just don't know how to breathe anymore.. and sometimes I don't even know if i want to

    Comment by KM — November 9, 2022 @ 10:42 AM

  44. It would seem that when the ostracism/scapegoating takes place within a family unit, it is a judgement/penalty for life never to be corrected since the majority commiting the ostracism always remain "justified" due to social construct. The victim remains the victim for life, despite their responsive behavior being a direct result of having suffered the invisible bullying tactics of the majority. I suffer anyhow as a border/polar, and the continued ostracism combined with already present mental health issues has in essence led to my complete isolation and having given up hope if anyone understanding how much pain they are causing much less acknowledging and trying to rectify anything. I pretty much struggle with my suicide note rewriting itself daily in my mind while I try and pretend everything is ok until my 3 children are all grown up ok. But I'm done. I can't take this hurt any longer than that. My daughter is almost 18 and becoming much like my family of origin towards me, my dear sweet boys who are 12 and 11 are understanding of my emotions and sympathetic to the plight of mental illness but do not truly grasp the damage that has been inflicted on our family all because of ostracism. It is easier for my family of origin to blame the rift on my "behavior" rather than acknowledge my individuality by any lack of conformity to what they think I ought to be. My mental health issues are not even to be spoken of much less acknowledged, because it is just too hard to "understand". I am already dead, walking around in a body that fights to live with a mind that fights to die. If free will existed, we would be given informed consent before being thrust into this horrible life, but alas, that does not happen. Torture is all that happens. Animals are more kind than humans.

    Comment by Martha — November 22, 2023 @ 9:18 AM

  45. Very good post and definitely aids with becoming familiar with the topic better.

    Comment by Aleida Boudreau — January 19, 2024 @ 8:24 AM

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