Loving Someone with ADHD: 12 Common Relationship Challenges 

12 COMMON ADHD RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGES 

Let’s explore the most frequent issues couples face when one partner—or both—has ADHD and take a look at some of the consequences that can develop. 

1. Speaking Without Thinking 

Although a person has a thought, it doesn’t mean that it is accurate or that they even necessarily believe it. Statements like “that’s a stupid idea” can be damaging to hear in a relationship and result in hurting the person on the receiving end. Yet, many people with ADHD tend to blurt out whatever comes to mind without thinking about how it will affect their partner. 

2. Misperceptions and Communication Breakdowns 

Misperceptions often cause serious problems in relationships. Often the spouse of an ADHD person must spend an inordinate amount of time correcting misperceptions that lead to disagreements.

One Amen Clinics patient said that before he was leaving on a business trip, he told his wife that he was going to miss her. She heard his words as “I’m not going to miss you” and was angry at him for the rest of the night, no matter what he said.

Science backs this up. One study in the Journal of Attention Disorders found that people with ADHD have higher levels of interpersonal problems and troubles with family relationships.  

3.  Interruptions and Distractibility 

Due to distractibility, conversations are often cut short or left uncompleted, leaving the other person feeling unimportant. People with ADHD need to have what they want right away, which often causes problems in situations where they need to take turns, such as in conversations.

Spouses often complain that they are cut off or interrupted, which makes them feel disrespected. 

4. Chronic Procrastination and Disorganization 

People with ADHD person often wait until the very last minute or are too disorganized to get things done such as paying the bills, buying holiday gifts, or making dinner reservations for anniversaries.

A study performed on people with ADHD showed that poor time management, low self-esteem, and worries may be associated with reduced interpersonal skills and difficulty maintaining relationships.

In addition, they may not complete chores even though they fully intended to do so. This may irritate spouses who feel the need to pick up the loose pieces or who feel unloved or unimportant. 

5. Sensory Sensitivity 

Some adults with ADHD are sensitive to touch, which can make them shy away from affection. This can harm a relationship, especially if the person’s partner wants or needs affection.  

6. Excessive or Minimal Talking 

Sometimes people with ADHD talk for self-stimulation. There is an internal drive to go on and on. This may irritate significant others, who feel like a prisoner of the conversation—or monologue—because they can’t get a word in edgewise.

In other cases, people who love someone with ADHD may complain that there is little talking or emotional expression in the relationship. “They seem turned off when they come home” is a common complaint, and many spouses report getting short responses, such as, “fine” or “OK.”  

7. Risk-taking Behavior 

This type of behavior worries the partners of the ADHD person. In some cases, spouses feel pressured to go along with dangerous or reckless behavior, causing a rift in the relationship. 

8. Emotional Volatility and Mood Swings 

Many spouses say that they never know what to expect from their ADHD partner. “One minute they’re happy, the next minute they’re screaming,” is a common complaint. Small amounts of stress may trigger huge explosions.

Problems with emotional regulation and ADD are common. Some studies have reported that approximately 70% of adults with ADHD struggle with emotional dysregulation. Rooted in an inability to manage emotional responses, emotional dysregulation can look like bursts of rage, crying, and temper.

After this occurs several times in a relationship, the partner can become “gun shy” and may begin to withdraw from the person. In some cases, untreated ADHD may be often involved in abusive relationships.  

9. Drama-seeking 

This is a common complaint among people living with someone who has ADHD. People with this condition often look for trouble as a way to self-stimulate. Rather than ignoring a minor incident, they focus on it and have difficulty letting it go.

Romantically, partners who have ADHD struggle in navigating conflict resolution and maintaining the relationship long term. Things in an ADHD house do not remain peaceful for long periods of time.  

10. Restlessness and Escapism 

Having ADHD can make a person feel restless or anxious, causing them to seek out ways to relax. They may use excessive sex, food, or alcohol to try to calm themselves.

One patient at Amen Clinics had sex with his girlfriend over 500 times in the last year of their relationship. She left him because she felt that their relationship was only based upon sex. 

11. Difficulty Seeing Other’s Emotional Needs 

Many people with ADHD have trouble getting outside of themselves to see the emotional needs of others. Studies have shown that adults with ADD tend to have lower levels of empathy.

This is theorized to stem from the difficulties tied to socializing skills, executive functioning, and emotional dysregulation. Spouses often label them as spoiled, immature, or self-centered.  

12. Repeating The Same Arguments Without Resolution 

People with ADHD often engage in repetitive, negative arguments with their partner. They don’t learn from the interpersonal mistakes from their past and repeat them again and again.  

6 Survival Strategies for Partners of ADHD Individuals  

Supporting a partner with ADHD is critical for your relationship, as well as for your loved ones’ physical and mental health. Research on people with ADHD over the age of 50 found that a lack of a support system negatively impacted quality of life. On the flip side, having a supportive spouse enhanced daily functioning and overall sense of well-being.

If you’re wondering how to support an ADHD partner, try the following expert tips. These ADHD survival strategies can help reduce conflict and improve emotional connection in relationships. 

1. Be specific with requests.

Avoid vague requests. Clarity helps reduce misunderstandings. For example, when you ask your significant other to do something, make it clear. Instead of asking, “Can you rake the leaves?” try “Can you rake the leaves before lunchtime?” 

2. Use reminders and technology tools. 

Set up alerts, lists, and visual cues to help your partner stay on track. Perhaps you leave sticky notes around the house for them, download a shared calendar app, or set up check-in reminders to show your investment. 

Related: 8 Brain-Based Habits That Elevate Your Relationships 

3. Adjust expectations.

 Accept your partner’s strengths and limits with compassion, not frustration. This may involve building in extra time when making plans, asking them to sit down and connect if you’re feeling ignored, or even offering support if they are not meeting your expectations.  

4. Set boundaries and enforce them gently. 

Boundaries build safety. Remind often and reinforce without shaming. If your partner is raising their voice at you during a heated discussion, instead of adding fuel to the fire, you could say “I want to keep talking, but I need us to lower our voices. I won’t continue the conversation if we’re yelling.” 

5. Encourage a brain-healthy lifestyle. 

Exercise, nutrition, and supplements like omega-3 fatty acids and green tea can improve brain function. Suggesting healthy meal ideas, making plans with them that involve exercise, and having nutritious snacks available in the house can all help. 

6. Understand their ADHD type. 

Based on the brain-imaging work at Amen Clinics, there are seven types of ADHD:

• Classic ADHD
• Inattentive ADD
• Overfocused ADD
• Temporal Lobe ADD
• Limbic ADD
• Ring of Fire ADD
• Anxious ADD

Knowing more about your partner’s ADHD type can increase understanding and help you come up with targeted solutions to reduce symptoms and improve relationships.

When natural solutions or traditional treatments aren’t working, a brain scan may be beneficial to identify their type and to see signs of other problems, such as traumatic brain injuries that can mimic or worsen ADHD symptoms.   
Related: 7 Types of ADHD eBook

WHEN TO CONSIDER A BRAIN SCAN OR PROFESSIONAL HELP 

If your partner has ADHD and marriage problems persist despite trying natural interventions and standard treatments, it may be time to seek help from a mental health professional. In some cases, a SPECT scan can offer insights into the underlying neurological patterns contributing to relationship conflict. 

In marital partnerships, there are promises and investments made. While these deepen the relationship, they also invite larger expectations, greater responsibilities, and a constant collision of lifestyles.  

To make sure that you are there for each other “in sickness and in health”, there are resources you can seek to support both you and your partner.  

ADHD can be challenging not only for the person diagnosed, but also for their romantic partner. Each person in the relationship experiences unique obstacles and overcoming the relational complexities requires effort and vulnerability.  

While these types of dynamics require more work, it’s this very investment in which healthy habits are more frequently practiced, and a deeper, more resilient union is formed.