Is someone in your life continually dismissing your feelings or belittling you, insisting you’re too sensitive or that you overreact to everything? Does this individual cause you to doubt your perceptions, even what you know to be true? Have you stopped confronting this person because they continually shift blame, respond angrily, deny, or lie when you do?
If you’re experiencing even one of these scenarios, it’s possible you’re being gaslit.
As the term gaslighting is over misused and misunderstood, here’s a clear description of what it is and subtle signs to help you identify the behavior.
Simply put, gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person (or sometimes an entity) makes a victim question their reality in order to gain more power or control. It is a mentally abusive pattern of behavior that, over time, can cause depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem in the victim.
It happens most often in romantic relationships, but it can also occur in friendships, work relationships, and families. It can also arise in any kind of situation where an individual places trust in an authority figure, such as with a doctor or cult leaders.
A gaslighter/abuser deliberately and systematically feeds false information to their victim, which leads them to question what they know to be true. The gaslighter does this in subtle ways over time, making it hard to detect, much like a slow boil.
Gradually, the victim starts to doubt their perceptions, feelings, memories, and even their sense of reality. They lose their self-confidence and may even start to doubt their sanity. They begin to think they are the problem. All of this serves to make them more dependent on the gaslighter.
Abusers use gaslighting to gain control or power over another individual, as well as to avoid accountability. While it’s usually deliberate, some people may be unaware of what they are doing.
Individuals with mental health conditions, such as narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, and borderline personality disorder are prone to exhibit gaslighting behavior. Others may have grown up in families where gaslighting was normalized.
While this form of emotional abuse can happen to anyone, women are more likely to be victims of gaslighting. In romantic relationships, it may lead to domestic abuse. One study titled “The Sociology of Gaslighting” makes the case that abusers use the cultural bias of women being irrational to their advantage.
Here are 10 subtle signs of gaslighting gathered from more than 30 years of clinical practice at Amen Clinics, research, and the results from a 2023 qualitative research study on gaslighting in romantic relationships:
Gaslighters want to sow seeds of doubt in your own perceptions. They do this by telling blatant lies and denying them when confronted—even when confronted with proof of their lying.
They may say, “I never said that.” That’s because if they tell you a huge lie, you begin to wonder if anything they say is true. It teaches you that you cannot trust your senses.
The more they lie and deny, the more you question your own reality and start accepting the one they present.
A gaslighter will accuse you of the very things they are doing, projecting their negative character traits and behavior onto you. They may accuse you of dishonest, manipulative behavior (as they are typically dishonest and manipulative).
This places you in a position of defending your own honest motivations, which causes you to start doubting your own intentions. It also distracts from their own deceptive behavior.
Gaslighters love to say things like “calm down” or “chill out.” They will tell you that you’re overreacting or being overemotional, especially if you call them out on something or hold them accountable for their actions.
This dismissive behavior invalidates your genuine feelings and diminishes your self-worth, making you more dependent on their approval.
These psychological manipulators are experts at making everything your fault, especially by shifting blame onto you. For example, they deflect instead of taking responsibility for their actions by claiming if you acted differently, they would not treat you as they do.
So, it’s your fault! They’ll also say things like, “You made me do this.” Or they may say, “You’re the one causing problems.” This may lead you to feel guilty or have self-doubt.
Gaslighters are masterful at finding people who will stand with them against you. They may spread rumors about you. And then they’ll come back and tell you other people are against you. They might say a particular person agrees with them.
They may lie and tell you a disparaging remark someone else said (even though they didn’t say it). This manipulative tactic makes you doubt who you can trust, and it leaves you more isolated and dependent on the gaslighter. Ultimately, that’s what they want.
People who exhibit gaslighting behavior might appear impressively confident or strong in their convictions initially. It is neither, but instead their need to be right.
In healthy relationships, there are two perspectives in any disagreement. But gaslighters insist that their perspective is the correct one, the only truth.
Gaslighters don’t like you having power or attention. They will undermine your accomplishments with veiled compliments or outright criticism. “It wasn’t that difficult” or “Most people could do that” are examples of this.
These types of cruel comments serve the gaslighter by causing you to second-guess yourself and perhaps even agree with them. Over time, comments like these erode your self-esteem and confidence. This makes you more reliant on the manipulator for approval.
To create confusion and make it harder to discern their critical words, controlling behavior, and lies, gaslighters will offer up praise for something you did. They do this just enough to make you feel confused and keep you guessing about them. It creates uneasiness and confusion to receive compliments from the individual who usually belittles you. That’s what they want.
You may think, “Oh, they aren’t so bad.” It’s an attempt to keep you questioning and doubting your own perceptions—to keep you off kilter. You may think you’re just being oversensitive when they’re being critical. Oftentimes, when they praise you, it usually benefits them in some way.
Gaslighters might start off wanting to spend loads of time with you. It might feel great. They are notorious love bombers. But then they start to discourage you from talking to and spending time with friends and family. They may even suggest the relationships are not good for you.
When you’re isolated from other loved ones, they make you more dependent on them for your social needs, giving them more control and ability to manipulate you. Without access to feedback from your circle of family and friends, the gaslighter can avoid accountability for bad behavior. Social isolation can also make you feel diminished and like you are losing your grip on reality.
A gaslighter will refuse to listen to you if you confront them about a lie or their behavior. Sometimes they will change the subject or pretend like they don’t understand what you’re saying.
They may say something like, “That doesn’t make any sense” or “Are you sure you know what you’re talking about?” Like so many of their behaviors, this results in self-doubt. It may cause uneasiness too.
If you suspect that you’re experiencing gaslighting, reach out to a qualified mental health professional. They can help you overcome feelings of anxiety and depression associated with being gaslit. They can also provide you with helpful strategies so you can learn to take care of yourself, set boundaries, potentially end the relationship, and recover your well-being.
If you’re in a situation of domestic abuse, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 at 800-799-7233.
Sweet, P. L. (2019). The sociology of gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851–875. https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122419874843
March, E., Kay, C. S., Dinić, B. M., Wagstaff, D., Grabovac, B., & Jonason, P. K. (2023). “it’s all in your head”: Personality traits and gaslighting tactics in intimate relationships. Journal of Family Violence. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10896-023-00582-y
Willis K, Li S, Wood S. “A qualitative analysis of gaslighting in romantic relationship.” Personal Relationships. 2023 Dec;30(4):1316-1340
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