Has an enthusiastic new romantic partner ever overwhelmed you with effusive texts, frequent phone calls, plans for a future together, over-the-top displays of attention, or lavish you with many gifts? Did it feel wonderful—almost like a fairy tale relationship—but with an undercurrent of unease, perhaps due to the speed and intensity of the romance?
Did your love interest get prickly or refuse to listen when you tried to slow the pace of your romance or set boundaries? If so, you may have been subjected to narcissistic love bombing. And that could spell trouble.
Here’s what you need to know about love bombing, including how it can lead to an abusive relationship and clear signs on how to recognize it.
Love bombing is when an individual bestows another person with love “bombs” of attention, affection, and praise in the early stages of a new relationship in order to influence or manipulate them. It’s typically used as a tactic in romantic relationships but may be seen in other types of relationships, such as friendships and work dynamics.
Love bombing is when an individual lavishes another person with love “bombs” of attention, affection, and praise early in a new relationship in order to influence or manipulate them.Share on X
The term love bomb has become popular over the last several years—especially among young people. Do a search for #lovebombing on TikTok, and you’ll get hundreds of thousands of results!
A 2022 survey found that 70% of more than 1,000 participants, ages 18-55, had experienced some form of love bombing. Women encountered it at a significantly higher rate than men.
In some cases, love bombing may be innocent and seem like normal behavior. However, in other cases, it’s a form of emotional manipulation and abuse, such as with a narcissist love bombing scenario.
At some point, the love-bombing phase stops. A new phase follows, which may include manipulative tactics such as gaslighting, criticism, or controlling behavior, and in some cases, physical abuse and other red flags. Love bombing is not to be taken lightly because it is potentially the start of an abusive relationship.
People engage in love bombing for a variety of reasons, including:
Narcissism, especially individuals with narcissistic personality disorder
Attachment issues, such as being overly dependent or a survivor of childhood trauma
Loneliness
Genuine love
Let’s take a closer look at each of these.
Although love bombing is not a diagnostic term, mental health professionals typically use it to describe the manipulative behavior that narcissistic or abusive individuals employ in early romance. It is used to gain power over a person—often someone vulnerable to grand gestures and appearing in need of a “savior.”
Using gifts, affection, and positive attention, the narcissistic love bomber essentially taps into the recipient’s internal reward system. This psychological manipulation helps quickly create a bond that can have addictive-like qualities. This serves to make their partner feel dependent on them.
Indeed, when you’re the object of a love bomber’s desire, you might feel safe, secure, and totally adored. This is because these grand gestures initially boost your self-esteem and make you feel worthy and desired. You might believe you found your perfect match.
However, the secret motive of the love bomber is not simply to seek love. It is a manipulative tactic of narcissistic abuse. Research shows that narcissistic love bombers, who tend to be lacking in self-esteem, ultimately want to gain control over you.
Not all love bombing is a conscious manipulation tactic. In some cases, unconscious or unresolved attachment issues propel an individual to love bomb.
For example, someone who has an insecure attachment style may love bomb in an effort to “secure” the relationship quickly, because they fear being abandoned. Unfortunately, the love bombing may overwhelm a partner and turn them off, leading to a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Alternatively, an individual with an avoidant attachment style love bombs to feel in control over the level of intimacy. When the partner reciprocates, they typically get overwhelmed by the closeness and push the partner away, which leads to the opposite of love bombing: ghosting.
Sometimes love bombing can simply be enthusiasm from a lonely person who is desperate for a friendship or romantic relationship.
Love-bombing behavior may be an expression of genuine love, not a manipulative tactic, especially if an individual comes from a family or culture that is demonstrative with affection. In addition, it’s important to note that men tend to fall in love more quickly than women do, research has found.
In general, new love can be overwhelming. Brain-imaging research shows that falling in love affects the brain in a similar way cocaine does. It can trigger a flood of neurochemicals that produce a sense of euphoria.
At the same time, it activates areas of the brain that lead to intense focus and obsessive thoughts about a new love interest. This can make it difficult to tell if you’ve been love bombed or are embarking on a healthy relationship.
On the flip side, new love can reduce activity in brain networks involved in judgment and negativity. The neural systems responsible for critical assessments basically shut down. It’s as if the brain is driving us to fall in love and stay in love.
To protect yourself, it’s important to be able to assess and discern dangerous love-bombing behavior.
Although every relationship is different, nearly all instances of love bombing will include the following:
Excessive flattery and praise
Constant sharing of feelings
Showering you with gifts that you don’t want or need
Always wanting to spend time with you
Intense talks with you about a future together very early on in the romance (within days or weeks)
Additional signs of love bombing may include:
They shower you with over-the-top gestures (a romantic trip for the weekend, creating fairytale-like dates, sending 100 roses, etc.)
They say exactly what you want to hear
They refer to you as their “soulmate” or suggest your connection is “destiny” or “fate”
They push for commitment early in the relationship
They get upset with boundaries
They’re very needy
They want you to respond quickly to texts and calls
There’s lots of PDA and posting on social media
You feel uneasy like you have to tread lightly
They introduce you to close friends and family too soon
They prefer you alone, isolated from your family and friends
You have a feeling of being “swept off your feet”
They seem too good to be true
Love bombing has 3 stages:
Idealization phase
During this love bombing stage, your partner bombards you with over-the-top expressions of love and affection. It serves to draw you in and let your defenses down.
You may experience a feeling of being swept off your feet or that this new love interest is too good to be true. Unfortunately, their behavior could be signs of love bombing.
Devaluation phase
At this point, you start to relax and get comfortable in the relationship, but red flags begin to appear as the love bombing and idealization phase starts to end.
Perhaps your partner will try to control you by limiting your time with family and friends. You may see flashes of anger, especially if you say no or attempt to set a boundary.
They may withdraw their attention and become critical of you or suddenly cut off contact or blame you for the issues in your relationship. This is called gaslighting.
In some cases, an abusive person will employ other manipulative tactics, like fear and intimidation to control your behavior and may even use physical violence.
Discard phase
When a love bomber realizes they can no longer get what they want from you, they will likely discard your relationship and move on to a new one. This usually happens if you confront them about their harmful behavior or make an effort to implement healthy boundaries.
Love bombers try to avoid accountability. They will typically leave before cooperating or compromising.
If you leave a love bomber—especially one with narcissistic personality disorder— they may return later. Typically, they will begin again with extravagant and lavish gestures in an attempt to win you back. They may also say they will change. However, instead of changing, as they draw you into the unhealthy relationship they simply start a new cycle of abuse.
Experts say that the best indicator of an unhealthy love-bombing situation is your gut feeling. Healthy love generally makes you feel good. Toxic relationships make you feel stressed and uneasy, doubting your perceptions.
Love bombing can harm your self-esteem and sense of self-worth. You may have feelings of shame and self-doubt for not seeing the red flag waving. It’s not uncommon to feel overwhelmed and confused, wondering how you became so dependent on a person you hardly knew. Be understanding and kind to yourself.
Love bombing is a form of emotional abuse that can lead to feelings of despair, anxiety, depression, and guilt. If you’ve been love bombed, look for support from non-judgmental, understanding friends and family members with whom you can share your own feelings about the emotional abuse you have gone through.
If you’re having trouble getting over post-love bombing symptoms, consider psychotherapy with a qualified mental health professional. Immediately seek help if you have experienced physical abuse or even threats of it. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233.
With time and effort, you can overcome past abusive relationships and learn to set healthy boundaries. This can help lead the way to a more loving relationship in the future.
If you recognize love bombing in yourself, working with a mental health professional can help address narcissistic traits or other underlying issues driving your behavior in relationships.
Strutzenberg CC, Wiersma-Mosley JD, Jozkowski KN, Becnel JN. Love-bombing: A narcissistic approach to relationship formation. Discovery, The Student Journal of Dale Bumpers College of Agricultural, Food and Life Sciences. 2017. 18(1), 81-89. Retrieved from https://scholarworks.uark.edu/discoverymag/vol18/iss1/14
Harrison MA, Shortall JC. Women and men in love: who really feels it and says it first? J Soc Psychol. 2011. 151(6):727-36. doi: 10.1080/00224545.2010.522626. PMID: 22208110.
Ortigue S, Bianchi-Demicheli F, Patel N, et al. Neuroimaging of love: fMRI meta-analysis evidence toward new perspectives in sexual medicine. J Sex Med. 2010. 7(11):3541-52. doi: 10.1111/j.1743-6109.2010.01999.x. PMID: 20807326.
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